...or else I'll just start posting photos and videos and quotes like kat does..haha!
here's a couple to end with:
until next time. <3
Saturday, December 29, 2012
taking a break
So clearly I've lost touch with my blog.. I haven't posted in almost a month. I haven't felt the urge to write in a while so I am just going to officially take a break until I find the passion to write again..
...or else I'll just start posting photos and videos and quotes like kat does..haha!
here's a couple to end with:
until next time. <3
...or else I'll just start posting photos and videos and quotes like kat does..haha!
here's a couple to end with:
until next time. <3
Monday, December 3, 2012
life can be a bitch sometimes
Death is something I've never really had to deal with before. I've never had anyone in my life die except my great grandpa when I was 9 (and it didn't really affect me then) and my dog this year. Now my great grandmother is dying in the hospital and seeing her today has put me into a black hole of contemplation. I have spent hours crying and I don't even know why. It's her time - she's 93 years old and she's perfectly content with her life soon coming to an end. But I can't stop crying about it. And it opened a door.
Seeing her and all of this crying I have done has made me start thinking about so many things. Even though she's lived a very long life, facing death is facing the realization that life doesn't go on forever and there's no time to be wasted doing what isn't right. I'm not satisfied with some things in my life right now and I know I need to change that but I have no idea how. All I know is that when I'm close to death I want to know that I lived my life to the fullest and did what made me happy. I'm not someone who can work a job that gives me no satisfaction and stay in it because of security and convenience. Yes I can be that person but I don't want to be. Eventually it's going to get so tiring that I can't take it anymore.
I'm so exhausted yet I feel like I may not sleep tonight. Like I could stay up all night thinking about my life and what I want it to look like. I have let myself remain so constantly occupied lately that I've taken no time to actually think about what living my life means because my life is busy living me. And I'm pretty sure I've subconciously done that to avoid thinking about all of this stuff. What do I want to do? What do I want to accomplish? What changes do I need to make to get on the right track? I have so many questions going through my head and not many answers. It's crazy to me that all of these thoughts have come about today. All it took was some time to myself and a horribly emotional day to get to this point.
My brain is in overdrive right now and I could probably write forever and ever but I doubt every thought I have will be all that interesting to read. So perhaps I'll end it here for now and leave the rest for another day.
Tuesday, November 27, 2012
exciting times
I really need to get better at keeping up with blogging! I apologize to my 2 followers who haven't gotten any new posts from me in a couple of weeks.. haha.
Life has been intense but good. Lots of figuring things out, lots of growth, lots of opportunity, lots of work, lots of moving around. I've been pretty much carrying my life around in my car and living at work or at my friend's place and have hardly been home for more than a couple hours at a time. I can't wait to get out of here! I'm getting super stoked about moving out. The time is coming quickly and I just know it's going to be amazing.
I've been staying connected to the Uganda Project which has been extremely positive for me. Attended a fundraiser last week for next years students who are going to Uganda and had the chance to speak for a few minutes about my experience. In front of some of my former instructors, the VP and the Dean which went really well. I feel so lucky to have had the chance to share for the benefit of the project. I also got to talk to the students who will be going next year which was really fun. They are all so eager to ask questions and get more information and it's another way for me to talk about my experience and share some insight with them. I remember what it felt like in the time leading up to my trip and how anxious I was and how many questions I had.
I registered for school last week.. Sociology, Psychology and Criminology. Woohoo! I'm really excited to continue learning. I feel like I'm not progressing in life when I'm not in school. Now I'm just waiting for all of these things to happen in January and for the changes to begin.
Friday, November 9, 2012
ready for some fun!
Sitting in Starbucks drinking tea before my overnight shift. I was so desperate to get out of my house that I left for work like an hour early..
I am having a girls night out tomorrow night and I feel like I reallyyyyy need it! I'm excited to spend some time drinking and dancing and doing nothing but having fun with some of my favourite girlies! I feel like the last couple weeks have been really intense and serious and lacking in the fun department. Well, still fun but not in the letting loose kind of way. So much caffiene, a lot of time spent at the hospital, a lot of wine and a lot of serious conversation. My life feels busy but it's only going to get busier come January when I go back to school so I want to make the most of the time I have now to enjoy the freedom. The thing about school is that the work is never ending so even if I get a break from work I'm gonna have to think about tests, assignments, etc. All that good stuff. I am nuts to go back haha.. I remember how tortured I felt a lot of the time. But being away from it has been a different kind of torture. My brain needs stimulation and new information to thrive on. I start to seriously miss learning. Especially when I'm working two jobs that are not exactly stimulating because I am doing what I already know how to do. When I'm in school I feel like I have some sort of purpose. I can't believe there was a time when I thought I would never go back to school. It's crazy to think about where I would be now had I not.. not writing this blog called "How Africa Changed Me" - that is for sure!
Thursday, November 8, 2012
little bro!
My brother and his "darth vadar" mask lol. You can't tell in the photo but steam blows out of it.
the fundraiser
Sooo I am currently in the hospital with my little brother who just had surgery on Tuesday morning. He had a section of one of his ribs cut out and he has to be here for a week, so I'm doing my best to keep him company. I may write more about the hospital experience later.
What I was going to write about that actually happened a week ago was the Abetavu Children's Home fundraiser. I posted about it last month because I was super nervous about speaking at the event.
The whole day was a crazy roller coaster of emotions. It was such a good experience, I felt like I was on a high of different feelings all day. Nervous, happy, excited, stressed, sad, anxious, loved. Me and Kat were the first ones to show up early in the day to help set up. Everyone that was there to volunteer was sooo nice. Some were a little crazy but I couldn't help but fall in love with all of them. It was so nice to be around other people who just wanted to help and be involved. Everything came together so beautifully. By the end of the day we were getting pretty restless though. I could only handle being locked up in a church being bossed around for so long, haha. So we took a break and left for a bit before it started and headed back for the evening to begin. I wasn't going to enjoy myself until my speech was over with though. I was so happy and blessed to have a few of my friends show up to be there for me while showing support for something I feel so passionately about. Sooo I pretty much felt like I was going to throw up leading up to my speech... there was apparently around 140 people there and everyone was looking at me up on this stage..with a microphone. I felt super shaky but as soon as I started talking it got easier. It went really well and I got a lot of positive feedback on what I said which was nice. It was so amazing to be part of it and to really feel like I made an impact on the success of the evening. I was emotional all night. Carli made a video that they showed of her just saying thank you to everyone for coming and just seeing her face and hearing her voice made me break down and cry. Joan had pictures and videos and told stories about all of the kids for her piece and I cried during that too. It felt very comforting but at the same time really sad to revisit those memories. As painful as it can be I hope to be connected to all of them for the rest of my life in any way I can.
What I was going to write about that actually happened a week ago was the Abetavu Children's Home fundraiser. I posted about it last month because I was super nervous about speaking at the event.
The whole day was a crazy roller coaster of emotions. It was such a good experience, I felt like I was on a high of different feelings all day. Nervous, happy, excited, stressed, sad, anxious, loved. Me and Kat were the first ones to show up early in the day to help set up. Everyone that was there to volunteer was sooo nice. Some were a little crazy but I couldn't help but fall in love with all of them. It was so nice to be around other people who just wanted to help and be involved. Everything came together so beautifully. By the end of the day we were getting pretty restless though. I could only handle being locked up in a church being bossed around for so long, haha. So we took a break and left for a bit before it started and headed back for the evening to begin. I wasn't going to enjoy myself until my speech was over with though. I was so happy and blessed to have a few of my friends show up to be there for me while showing support for something I feel so passionately about. Sooo I pretty much felt like I was going to throw up leading up to my speech... there was apparently around 140 people there and everyone was looking at me up on this stage..with a microphone. I felt super shaky but as soon as I started talking it got easier. It went really well and I got a lot of positive feedback on what I said which was nice. It was so amazing to be part of it and to really feel like I made an impact on the success of the evening. I was emotional all night. Carli made a video that they showed of her just saying thank you to everyone for coming and just seeing her face and hearing her voice made me break down and cry. Joan had pictures and videos and told stories about all of the kids for her piece and I cried during that too. It felt very comforting but at the same time really sad to revisit those memories. As painful as it can be I hope to be connected to all of them for the rest of my life in any way I can.
Tuesday, October 23, 2012
it's been almost 4 months!
Soo next weekend on November 2nd I am going to a fundraiser for Abetavu Children's Home. This is the family that I lived with while I was in Uganda. They are having a silent auction and they are going to be presenting information and updates on the progress of the building that is taking place. Unfortunately Carli and Robert can't be in Canada because Carli is pregnant and due in 2 weeks!! Which is also very exciting. Carli's parents have asked me to say a few words at the fundraiser about my experience living with the family and anything that might motivate people to support the cause. I am actually super nervous. I don't mind speaking my mind in front of a small group of people but public speaking in front of a church full of people about something that is so close to my heart is a bit terrifying to me. I worry about getting emotional while I'm talking.. I want to hold it together. I also want to make sure that what I say is significant and shows people how important it is to support this family. I'm meeting Joan for coffee tomorrow morning to talk about it because she is also going to speak at the fundraiser and I'm hoping that hearing what she is going to say will spark some ideas in me and maybe put my nerves to rest a little. And I haven't seen her since the day I left which was nearly 4 months ago. 4 MONTHS! So crazy! I'm really excited to see my old roommate again and talk to someone who knows exactly what I'm going through. We can both talk to each other about the experience without getting annoyed like I'm sure everyone else in our lives is haha.
Saturday, October 20, 2012
the best things in life aren't things
I'm going through all of my stuff today in an attempt to organize, clean, and get rid of shit. So far I've managed to get 3 garbage bags full of stuff that I'm going to donate/sell. Some of it is actually in really good shape or almost new so I'm excited about the possibility of making some money back that I wasted on the crap to begin with. It feels so good to get rid of stuff. So much lighter. I actually like having less choice in my life. I get overwhelmed otherwise haha.
For so many years I have been doing unhealthy things to fill voids. Spending money on stuff that I don't need, looking for the wrong things in relationships in order to feel better about myself. Only to end up feeling worse. I suppose everyone goes through this is some way but it's bullshit to me and it's not how I want to live. Material items and meaningless physical relationships have got me nowhere but feeling empty. I really need to focus my energy on things that will truly make me happy.
I was going through some of my stuff and I have boxes of things I consider keepsakes or memories of certain times. It's a little sad how much of these things I keep. But I was reading cards and looking at luggage tags and all that good stuff and I just thought to myself, did I really go to Africa? Is this something I actually did or was it all a dream? It feels so far away and I'm starting to feel really disconnected from those experiences. Not a day goes by that I don't think about Uganda. And I don't spend my time thinking fondly of the memories I have, I'm thinking of how much I want to go back, or how much I want to travel more. I really think it's crazy to people how much I think or talk about it, and I try to limit myself, but they weren't there and they didn't fall in love like I did.
Good thing I'm gonna be going nuts working two jobs for a while. It'll get me saving money which will eventually get me back.
For so many years I have been doing unhealthy things to fill voids. Spending money on stuff that I don't need, looking for the wrong things in relationships in order to feel better about myself. Only to end up feeling worse. I suppose everyone goes through this is some way but it's bullshit to me and it's not how I want to live. Material items and meaningless physical relationships have got me nowhere but feeling empty. I really need to focus my energy on things that will truly make me happy.
I was going through some of my stuff and I have boxes of things I consider keepsakes or memories of certain times. It's a little sad how much of these things I keep. But I was reading cards and looking at luggage tags and all that good stuff and I just thought to myself, did I really go to Africa? Is this something I actually did or was it all a dream? It feels so far away and I'm starting to feel really disconnected from those experiences. Not a day goes by that I don't think about Uganda. And I don't spend my time thinking fondly of the memories I have, I'm thinking of how much I want to go back, or how much I want to travel more. I really think it's crazy to people how much I think or talk about it, and I try to limit myself, but they weren't there and they didn't fall in love like I did.
Good thing I'm gonna be going nuts working two jobs for a while. It'll get me saving money which will eventually get me back.
Thursday, October 4, 2012
I do most of my thinking in the middle of the night
I've really been feeling lately that even though I love and miss Uganda so much it hurts sometimes, I need to find a way to move on with my life here. I like that I can talk about my trip in my blog because I feel like there is no other place in my life right now for that. I feel like I'm being annoying by talking about it and I really just don't feel like anyone cares. I have learned this and have been really frustrated by this but I'm getting over it. The experience was mine and mine only and that's awesome for me. I don't need anyone to validate how much it meant to me, as long as I am taking what I got from it and applying that to who I am now.
I was reflecting the other day on what it felt like in the year approaching Uganda and I had to laugh. I saw a friend recently who has been away for almost a year and she was like, 'so you went to Uganda?? Last time I talked to you, you were still unsure about whether or not you were going.' I was so uneasy with the idea still at that time and up until the day I left it was constant fear and uncertainty about what was to come. If only I had known then what I know now.. I probably wouldn't have booked a return ticket haha! I am realizing that I really would like to strive for the excitement and curiosity I felt every day while I was away. I want that again so badly!
A few things getting me excited about life NOW:
My new job. Very thrilled to be doing something different with people who respect and appreciate me. It's gonna be an adjustement but I need that challenge. Realistically I need a bigger challenge, but I'll take it a step at a time.
My beast of a vehicle is back on the road! Unfortunately it needs a bit of work and some serious TLC but this is still such a good thing.
I think I am finally starting to figure out what I might want to do with my life career-wise. For now at least. (I figure I'll change jobs very often otherwise I'll be bored to death!) Now I just need to figure out what I need to do to get there. I've had a lot of ideas without much execution lately - I need to work on this.
Moving out. I need to, and I'm going to. Not just yet, I've got no serious plans. But I'm definitely getting excited about it. I'm not going to rush it because there's no need. I would like a smooth transition. I'm aiming for January. Items for the home will be on my Christmas wish list this year for sure!
I was reflecting the other day on what it felt like in the year approaching Uganda and I had to laugh. I saw a friend recently who has been away for almost a year and she was like, 'so you went to Uganda?? Last time I talked to you, you were still unsure about whether or not you were going.' I was so uneasy with the idea still at that time and up until the day I left it was constant fear and uncertainty about what was to come. If only I had known then what I know now.. I probably wouldn't have booked a return ticket haha! I am realizing that I really would like to strive for the excitement and curiosity I felt every day while I was away. I want that again so badly!
A few things getting me excited about life NOW:
My new job. Very thrilled to be doing something different with people who respect and appreciate me. It's gonna be an adjustement but I need that challenge. Realistically I need a bigger challenge, but I'll take it a step at a time.
My beast of a vehicle is back on the road! Unfortunately it needs a bit of work and some serious TLC but this is still such a good thing.
I think I am finally starting to figure out what I might want to do with my life career-wise. For now at least. (I figure I'll change jobs very often otherwise I'll be bored to death!) Now I just need to figure out what I need to do to get there. I've had a lot of ideas without much execution lately - I need to work on this.
Moving out. I need to, and I'm going to. Not just yet, I've got no serious plans. But I'm definitely getting excited about it. I'm not going to rush it because there's no need. I would like a smooth transition. I'm aiming for January. Items for the home will be on my Christmas wish list this year for sure!
my new crush
Just got home from the Ben Howard concert. He was soooo good - even more amazing live honestly. Love him. This Marcus Foster guy opened for him - he was pretty good too! Awesome night, awesome venue. He put on a good show. You could tell how much he really loves what he does.
The crowd started singing the beginning of this song to get him back on stage for the encore. There is something so wonderful about going to a live show and being in a room full of people all singing and clapping together. The energy is such a high!
Wednesday, September 26, 2012
life is short.
Friday, September 21, 2012
looking forward
I have seriously been neglecting my blog. I feel like I have been so busy the last few weeks I haven't even had time to think about posting. It's been work work work. And when I haven't been working I've been out of town.
Last night I had a dream that made me cry in my sleep and I can't stop thinking about it. Usually dreams that make me cry out loud involve someone close to me dying. Last night it was related to Uganda. In my dream I saw Robert and all of his and Carli's kids. (If you haven't read all of my blog, this is the family I stayed with while I was in Uganda.) I remember every single kid coming up to me and hugging me and I just cried and cried I was so overwhelmed and happy to see them. When I woke up in the morning my eyes were puffy from crying and I remembered the dream.
I really miss the family so much, so this dream doesn't surprise me at all. But honestly, being home has gotten a little bit easier every day. I've been doing a lot of personal work lately that has helped me accept being here a bit better. I'm just bored with my life I think and I crave the excitement I had while I was traveling. It's been a really rough time for me the past couple months but I can actually feel a difference lately. Things are lighter. One thing that has made a big difference and will hopefully continue to improve things for me is getting a new job! Yesterday I was offered a job. I am so happy to finally get away from the one thing in my life making me the most miserable. Looking forward to turning things around and getting on the right track!
Last night I had a dream that made me cry in my sleep and I can't stop thinking about it. Usually dreams that make me cry out loud involve someone close to me dying. Last night it was related to Uganda. In my dream I saw Robert and all of his and Carli's kids. (If you haven't read all of my blog, this is the family I stayed with while I was in Uganda.) I remember every single kid coming up to me and hugging me and I just cried and cried I was so overwhelmed and happy to see them. When I woke up in the morning my eyes were puffy from crying and I remembered the dream.
I really miss the family so much, so this dream doesn't surprise me at all. But honestly, being home has gotten a little bit easier every day. I've been doing a lot of personal work lately that has helped me accept being here a bit better. I'm just bored with my life I think and I crave the excitement I had while I was traveling. It's been a really rough time for me the past couple months but I can actually feel a difference lately. Things are lighter. One thing that has made a big difference and will hopefully continue to improve things for me is getting a new job! Yesterday I was offered a job. I am so happy to finally get away from the one thing in my life making me the most miserable. Looking forward to turning things around and getting on the right track!
Wednesday, August 29, 2012
empty.
I feel like my blog has been super depressing lately..but I want to stress the fact that I'm actually a generally happy person, I just write about the things going through my head and lately it's been not too positive things.
I haven't been adjusting very well to life back home. To say the least. And in more ways than I had anticipated. I have been feeling totally hollow. Just completely empty. I really wake up every day wondering why I am here and having to force myself out of bed because I feel no motivation for my daily life. (Again, sounding super depressing here.) I have been avoiding thinking about everything to do with Uganda for so long because it is just too hard. I was looking through photos from my trip this morning because I'm going to a dinner with the rest of the girls from the project who I haven't seen since Uganda and we are supposed to share 10 photos with each other. I literally broke down and started crying just looking through my photos. I can't believe I am not still there and how far away it feels. I have been so selfish in ignoring emails, facebook conversations, etc., and haven't reached out to anyone when I know deep down I should. All because it's been easier to block everything out in order to protect myself from these feelings. It is so painful to see that my life has returned to something I hate after having the most amazing experience of my life in Uganda. I never imagined I would be in this place. This place of wanting to be anywhere in the world but home. Being so unsatisfied with my life and not knowing what to do or how to get out of it.
Tuesday, August 21, 2012
emotional roller coaster
I feel like I have tears inside of me that are about to come out very soon. Like I need to have a good cry. If you've had this feeling then you know what I mean. That on-the-brink-of-tears feeling where even the silliest things make you feel like you're going to spontaneously combust into tears? It almost happened last night.. at work. Thank goodness I held it in. I was just feeling a roller coaster of emotions yesterday. Happiness, anger, sadness, frustration. And then I dropped like 8 cases of water on the floor (by accident) and almost cried because of that. This means it's coming any day now. I think I'm just so unsatisfied with my life and feeling so down about the place my mind is at right now and it's starting to creep to the surface. I just need to get it out of my system
sleepless nights
I wrote this a few nights ago but forgot to post it until now..
Laying in bed. Having one of those nights where my mind is absolutely restless. I swear I was falling asleep half an hour ago but now that I'm in bed trying to sleep my mind is racing. I know it doesn't make sense to focus energy on the past and there's no use dwelling on it, but I can't help but look back on my past every so often and say to myself, WTF?! At least I can say I have grown and am much wiser now. For some reason the things I hate remembering the most and wish I could bury behind me are the things I think about when I give my mind the free space. The things I wish I never did, and the things I never did that I wish I had done when I had the chance. Not cool! My escape tactics are only a temporary fix. Sooner or later it always comes back to my current frame of mind. My friend shared a quote with me: "sometimes, in order to be happy in the present moment, you have to be willing to give up hope for a better past." This is 100% true. There's no way I'll ever be content unless I let go of what's done and concentrate on not making those same mistakes in the present. No future is guaranteed, so why should we spend our every moment concerned about things that aren't relevant to the here and now?
I feel like when I was outside of my usual environment (ie: in Uganda), none of my past was haunting me. It didn't matter and there was nothing there to remind me of it. I was able to be my true self and thrive knowing that nothing from my life up until that point had to be involved with what I was doing. Now that I'm home there are flashing signs everywhere and metaphorical mirrors that seem to be pointing out my every flaw and magnifying my fears. It's so so easy to feel not good enough in a society that is so focused on what is 'best'. And it's all bullshit. What people care about in our society is nuts. And I'm not saying I'm perfect, but I definitely didn't care about the same superficial, surface shit while I was in Uganda. And I prefer it that way. But I can't live the way I lived there while living here. It just doesn't work like that.
Thursday, August 16, 2012
patience is key
I saw a friend today that I haven't seen in a really long time. She was asking me about my trip and how I've been and we talked for a while and she seemed to really understand what I was talking about - which is seriously rare these days. She told me that it sounded like I was homesick from a place that isn't here. What a perfect way to describe how I feel. I am home sick. Uganda felt more like home than here does. I will go back there but I've realized it will take time and hard work and I have to be patient. I will make things happen for myself in a way that is realistic for me. Not in drastic, spur of the moment decisions. I need to be smart. It may be a year or two before I get back to Uganda but that's ok. I can do other things that make me happy in the meantime. A change is about to happen, it's only a matter of time.
Victoria!
So I spent last weekend in Victoria and it was wonderful! I had never been there before which is so pathetic considering I've lived in BC my entire life but I knew I would love it and I definitely did. It is so amazing there. It's like all the great things I love about greater Vancouver in a condensed area. It's like a different culture..much more relaxed. I wish I could have stayed longer.. 2 days went by so fast!! But i'll be back again forrr suuuure.
The beach that was literally a minute away from Brittany and Alisha's place. Lucky them!
Me and my bestie!
Me and Brittany :)
Saturday, August 4, 2012
On a brighter note..
Some good things have happened recently. I mentioned that I had accomplished some things off my to do list (from a previous post). I've tie dyed some clothes, which turned out super awesome. I've gone camping and have another trip coming up. I'm not going to Birch Bay but am instead going to Victoria which is way better anyways. And I've planned my trip to Kelowna to stay with my awesome friend for the labour day weekend. I've looked into volunteering.. unfortunately my first choice has already closed their application deadline for September training but I'm looking into other options. I've contacted a couple hospitals near me about doing some volunteering for them so we'll see what happens there! I also went to a staff meeting today at my other job (a group home for adults with disabilities) where I currently only have a relief position. It looks like they are needing to add more hours and may be offering a position with close to full time hours which I would have a good chance of getting. And they are sooo eager to give me work so I have a good feeling I could get a position there and finally QUIT SAVE ON! That would make a HUGE difference in my life. It's so nice to actually feel valued and wanted at work as opposed to feeling like a piece of garbage that is never good enough. Stressing out over fruits and vegetables is not where I need to be right now!! But if I were to get a position at the group home I would most likely have to move to the Vancouver/ Richmond area to be closer to work because the commute is a BITCH! OH and I got my first paycheque today! WOOHOOO! It wasn't a whole lot but my goodness it's nice to have an income again. Slowly but surely I will pay off my debts! (Or slowly by slowly, as Ugandans would say. Man, I miss those people!)
Stuckkkkk
I haven't been as dedicated to my blog as I probably should be. Not that it matters since I only have 1 follower (you know who you are haha). I honestly just feel like life hasn't been all that exciting lately.
I am not doing what I am supposed to be doing. I know this. I'm not happy. Actually, I am happy.. it's more that I am unsatisfied with how my life is right now. And I know I need to change it and I am taking small steps toward doing so. But somehow I feel so completely stuck. Like the responsibilities hovering over my head are holding me back. My constant criticisms of myself and the way I have handled things in my life recently are also holding me back. The frustrating thing is that I know all of these things and I know what needs to be done to create a change but it seems that actually doing this is impossible.
I feel like the life is being sucked out of me. Work is taking up all of my energy right now. I feel more exhausted than ever. My body aches. I feel like crying at some point almost every day and sometimes I don't even know why. No matter how many times I keep telling myself that this is all only temperary - that I just have to keep my head down and focus on work for a while, each day still seems so difficult to get through.
I plan things that I should be excited about but I know deep down that I am not truly feeling the excitement. I'm going to Victoria next weekend, camping a couple weekends after that, and Kelowna the weekend after that. I should be stoked. I've actually accomplished quite a few things off my to do list. But these things aren't making me feel the way I thought they would. Yes, of course I do feel really happy that I am so lucky to be doing all of the things I hoped I would do when I got back home but it's just on the surface that I'm feeling this.
Monday, July 30, 2012
Zzzz...
So it's almost 3am and I can't sleep. Being back at work has really messed up my sleeping schedule and my body. So what am I doing to try and sleep? Watching Center Stage for the 3rd time this past week. I only have like 28 cable channels in my room now and there is never anything on TV so I've resorted to watching movies. Center Stage is one of my faves. Super cheesy movie but always entertaining.
I thought I'd share the best part..the dance at the very end of the movie.
I miss this family so much. Just looking at this picture brings tears to my eyes. I don't know if I realized how much I love and miss them until looking at them again. I wish I was still with them. It was the most comfortable I've ever felt around so many children (since I'm normally not much of a kid person). I can't believe I was just there 3 weeks ago.. it feels like it's forever away now. And more than anyone I think I miss Carli the most. She really is an amazing person and we got along so well. I don't think I have ever gotten so comfortable with someone so quickly.. it was like we had known each other for years.
I need to go back there. I don't know when or how or for how long but I am 100% certain that I am supposed to make a trip back there no matter what it takes. I wish I was still there now. I am finding it impossible to live the way I did there here. Impossible to feel the way I did there. I remember being happy every day. I obviously had moments of sadness but I knew I was supposed to be there and knew what I wanted to accomplish. I was never confused about what I was supposed to do. Now that I'm back I could not be more confused. All I know is that I need to make a change.
Sunday, July 22, 2012
blahhhhh.
I feel so lost. People keep asking me if I'm happy to be back home and I honestly don't know how to answer that. It's been nice to see people and to talk about my trip to people who actually care and want to listen, but I could probably go back to Uganda tomorrow and not be upset about leaving home. I woke up every day there feeling like I had a purpose and knowing that there was a reason I was there. Every day was new and I was always learning something. I don't feel that at home. Everything is the same and I don't know what my purpose is. I really don't know why I am here or what I'm supposed to be doing. I was sooo happy in Uganda and I'm still happy now but I can feel myself fading back to my old self, who I wasn't always happy with. Being around the same people, making the same mistakes, and working the same crappy job. I love people and being around people but lately I've been more willing to be alone. Because when I'm around people I feel like some kind of freak that nobody can relate to. When I talk about Africa people think its depressing, which makes me feel worse.
When I am alone I am either thinking about EVERYTHING I could possibly think of and over analyzing everything, or trying my very hardest to not think about anything at all. And the latter is almost always impossible for me to do. When I am distracted I am totally fine but when I am just with myself I seem to be constantly worrying about all things wrong with me or with my life. I can never let myself feel content. Yet somehow I achieved this feeling of being content while I was in Uganda. I want that back. I think I need to start being 100% honest with myself and stop being a coward and hiding behind whatever I can find. I need to get REAL.
When I am alone I am either thinking about EVERYTHING I could possibly think of and over analyzing everything, or trying my very hardest to not think about anything at all. And the latter is almost always impossible for me to do. When I am distracted I am totally fine but when I am just with myself I seem to be constantly worrying about all things wrong with me or with my life. I can never let myself feel content. Yet somehow I achieved this feeling of being content while I was in Uganda. I want that back. I think I need to start being 100% honest with myself and stop being a coward and hiding behind whatever I can find. I need to get REAL.
Wednesday, July 18, 2012
decisions decisions..
Too many choices to make, too many options, too many questions to ask myself. I honestly thought that I would come home from Uganda and have it alllll figured out. But instead I feel more confused about what to do next. I know that soon enough I am going to be wanting more. Right now I am still in vacation mode.. just enjoying the fact that I can do whatever I want for another week. But I'm sure 3 days back at work will be a huge slap in the face! I am not going to get stuck in a rut.. I just need to figure out what exactly it is that I want to do and how I am going to prioritize things. I feel like I always get a million ideas in my head but there is no way for me to do them all at once.
Sunday, July 15, 2012
I've been home for a few days now. It still feels weird. Like my body is here but I don't know if I fully am yet. I find I am desperately trying to fill my days with activities because I'm afraid of being bored with life. So, so far since I've been back I've been to the beach, done some window shopping dowtown, gotten a tattoo, renewed my driver's license and started studying for my motorcycle license, put some purple streaks in my hair, and caught up with a few friends. It's a bit nuts and I realize that my life can't be exciting every day and that's ok, but I'm gonna do my best to aim for that.
My new tattoo!
And my hair
I've also been finding that I am noticing things more. Like everything. Especially people's behaviors. Like when someone makes a negative comment or has a bad attitude I can feel it like a stab through the chest, even when it's not directed at me. I literally had an emotional break down in front of my mom the other day because I am so worried about being around people who drag me down when all I want to do is enjoy life. I just had the 3 most amazing, life changing months and I have never been so excited about life and I think that's awesome. I would like to be stoked on life all the time and I don't see why I can't make that a reality. What happens is I start being around negative people or doing things that I don't like that draaaagg me down so deep to the point where I am actually feeling what other people are feeling and being sucked down that hole even though it's got nothing to do with my life. And that's not healthy. And my mom totally gets it too (I swear I don't give this amazing woman enough credit sometimes). She has a friend who has a lot going on in her life and my mom is always her shoulder to cry on - which is great - but when it starts affecting her life and she gets stressed over it and I can see that, that's not cool. But it's not her friend's fault at all..my mom just has to learn how to still be a good friend but not let this stuff get to her, and so do I. I can't necessarily cut all negative shit out of my life for good, but I CAN figure out ways to not be personally affected by it. And that's what I need to do. Otherwise I'm just going to be running away from things for the rest of my life.
Tuesday, July 10, 2012
Home.
So I am finally home. (As of about 7 hours ago). And it feels WEIRD. How do I describe it.. comfortable but somehow unfamiliar. It was so amazing seeing my mom waiting for me at the arrivals (I think walking down that path is always the best part about landing) and hugging her and shedding tears of joy. Somehow it felt as if I was never really gone, like I had just seen her yesterday. I suppose we are just really connected that way. Coming home everything was the same..not sure what I was expecting to be different. My dog Rusty was actually so happy to see me I have never seen him so excited before. So cute. My amazing mother cleaned my room for me while I was away so I had a lovely tidy space to walk into.
Something still doesn't feel right. The best way to describe it is that it feels like I am on the outside watching myself move through the motions. Having a shower, grabbing a glass of water from the kitchen, turning on the TV. It feels like I'm in a dream or something, like it isn't real. It almost feels like I was never even gone but at the same time it feels like I am not actually home now. I'm stuck somewhere in the middle. I am so exhausted I can hardly keep my eyes open, I have probably slept less than 4 hours in the past 48 hours so I'm going to sleep now. I'm curious and honestly a bit afraid to see how I'll feel when I wake up tomorrow.
Something still doesn't feel right. The best way to describe it is that it feels like I am on the outside watching myself move through the motions. Having a shower, grabbing a glass of water from the kitchen, turning on the TV. It feels like I'm in a dream or something, like it isn't real. It almost feels like I was never even gone but at the same time it feels like I am not actually home now. I'm stuck somewhere in the middle. I am so exhausted I can hardly keep my eyes open, I have probably slept less than 4 hours in the past 48 hours so I'm going to sleep now. I'm curious and honestly a bit afraid to see how I'll feel when I wake up tomorrow.
Get me the eff out of here!
At the Heathrow Airport in London. I don't remember the last time I was this tired and uncomfortable. I'm too fucking exhausted to do anything to pass the time, yet I can't sleep no matter how hard I try. The floor of Terminal 5 isn't exactly the most comfortable place in the world. Yet I don't care, I would sleep anywhere. I actually look like a homeless person on the street laying in a mess on the floor but what else can I do? It's just past 3:30 in the morning, I can't check in til around 9 and my flight doesn't leave until 12:45. I feel like I have been here for so long yet I still have 9 hours to go. Followed by a 9 hour flight. But then I'll be home. I've never wanted to be home so badly. I'll probably cry when I see my mom just from the exhaustion of the journey it took to get there.If only I had decided a day or two earlier that I wanted to change my flight, I could have been on yesterday evening's flight that departed an hour after my arrival. But you live and you learn. London isn't the place for me to travel right now and I'm just happy to be saying goodbye... eventually.
Sunday, July 8, 2012
Packed my bags and ready to go..
Except I don't feel ready to go. I feel like this is a trip that doesn't have an end. Like I'm just going to continue to wake up every morning in this same bed in this same room in this same house. But that's not the case. Tomorrow morning will be the last time I ever wake up in this house, and the last time I drive away from it. I sat on my bed and cried today. I don't know where it came from.. it just happened. Sublime is playing in the background yet meanwhile, I'm crying like a baby. I truly am excited to go home and see my family but in some ways I think I am afraid. Afraid that it won't be the same, afraid that it will be, afraid that going home will take away everything I've gained in the past 3 months. But I tell myself that there's no way anyone can take this experience away from me.
I'm hiding up in my room because I am honestly too afraid to face anyone. The kids. Carli. Grandma. Robert. I just can't fucking do it! I'm going down there to say goodnight to everyone (super early) and then I'll write a couple letters and leave them behind in the morning. It's the only way I can express myself without having a total meltdown. This is too much for me to handle right now.
I'm hiding up in my room because I am honestly too afraid to face anyone. The kids. Carli. Grandma. Robert. I just can't fucking do it! I'm going down there to say goodnight to everyone (super early) and then I'll write a couple letters and leave them behind in the morning. It's the only way I can express myself without having a total meltdown. This is too much for me to handle right now.
Friday, July 6, 2012
Sing You Home
"You can agrue that it's a different world now than the one when Matthew Shepard was killed, but there is a subtle difference between tolerance and acceptance. It's the distance between moving into the cul-de-sac and having your next-door neighbor trust you to keep an eye on her preschool daughter for a few minutes while she runs out to the post office. It's the chasm between being invited to a colleague's wedding with your same-sex partner and being able to slow dance without the other guests whispering.
I remember my mother telling me that, when she was a little girl in Catholic school, the nuns used to hit her left hand every time she wrote with it. Nowadays, if a teacher did that, she'd probably be arrested for child abuse. The optimist in me wants to believe sexuality will eventually become like handwriting: there's no right way and wrong way to do it. We're all just wired differently.
It's also worth noting that, when you meet someone, you never bother to ask if he's right- or left-handed.
After all: Does it really matter to anyone other than the person holding the pen?"
Page 95 from Sing You Home by Jodi Picoult
This is so the truth. This book is amazing. I'm only halfway through but it's soo good I plan to finish it in the next couple days. It has so many layers to the story. I saw this piece of it and had to post it. How is it that something like this is so easy for me to understand but so impossible for some others?
3 more days..
Woohoo I am finally up to date on my posts! From here on out everything will be present day. I leave Uganda on Monday morning and these last few days feel like torture to be quite honest. Except today I spent the day at the spa.. not so terrible. I'm at the point where I just want to leave and get it over with because I know how painful it's going to be and I can't stand moping around or lying in bed thinking about it. Carli is so sick that we can't really spend much time together because she needs rest and I feel so bad leaving her in this condition. I really have nothing to do but wait to say my goodbyes. We are having a little party tomorrow with the family as a goodbye and I don't know if I'll be able to get through it without getting emotional. Especially with Joan being so emotional these days. All it takes is for me to see someone else crying to start myself. Like I'm sure I've said before, I'm no good at goodbyes. I'm a big cry baby. Carli will be the hardest one to say goodbye to and I'm avoiding that one the most. I know I'll be back one day so that's not the issue. But I don't know how long it will be before I'm back and Carli is one of the only people who understands things the way I do and I think I've been a pretty good support system for her too, and now we'll be on opposite sides of the world. We spent so much time preparing to leave for this trip and live here but I didn't spend any time at all preparing for how I would leave and frankly I don't really want to prepare for it because I would rather just leave it until it happens.
On the way home
Written July 3rd
I am now on the plane on the way back to Entebbe. I'm glad I'm going back to Uganda for a bit but I seriously wish I could have stayed longer in Zanzibar. When I come back to Uganda in the future I'll definitely make another trip to Zanzibar too and stay for 3 or 4 weeks and see the entire island. Yesterday was a good day though. Leila (from England) and I did a tour of Changuu/Prison Island after breakfast. Unfortunately our guide was absolutely awful and really didn't guide us anywhere but it was still good to go. He just pointed and said 'tortoises are here' and 'the prison is there'. Super terrible but we found our way around. The tortoises and peacocks were pretty cool. The island is called prison island because there was originally a prison built for the purpose of holding slaves. It was never actually used for this purpose because the trade was abolished but instead was used as a yellow fever quarantine camp. It has since been turned into a tourist restaurant. It was a bit disppointed that nothing of the original prison still existed but the island itself was stunning and it was good to get away. The boat ride itself was worth it for me. I could live on a beach. Or a boat.
Once we got back to town we did some market shopping and wandered aimlessly eventually realizing we were completely lost and asking everyone along the way for directions back to our hotel. It was good for a laugh and it's actually worth getting lost when you're with someone. Leila and I met Lisa and Jazmin later for dinner and drinks and watched the sunset. Then we walked around and saw the night market which was packed. It's basically vendors selling food in this big open garden area by the water and it seemed like everyone in town was there. After walking around a bit more we parted our ways and said our goodbyes since it was my last night. I'm so glad I met these girls because it ended up being such a good trip. Not that it wouldn't have been otherwise but it was cool to meet people from different places and we were all there for different reasons but connected and got along like close friends. Again my trip was nothing like I had expected but in all the best ways. I would have seriously kicked myself for not going.
I am now on the plane on the way back to Entebbe. I'm glad I'm going back to Uganda for a bit but I seriously wish I could have stayed longer in Zanzibar. When I come back to Uganda in the future I'll definitely make another trip to Zanzibar too and stay for 3 or 4 weeks and see the entire island. Yesterday was a good day though. Leila (from England) and I did a tour of Changuu/Prison Island after breakfast. Unfortunately our guide was absolutely awful and really didn't guide us anywhere but it was still good to go. He just pointed and said 'tortoises are here' and 'the prison is there'. Super terrible but we found our way around. The tortoises and peacocks were pretty cool. The island is called prison island because there was originally a prison built for the purpose of holding slaves. It was never actually used for this purpose because the trade was abolished but instead was used as a yellow fever quarantine camp. It has since been turned into a tourist restaurant. It was a bit disppointed that nothing of the original prison still existed but the island itself was stunning and it was good to get away. The boat ride itself was worth it for me. I could live on a beach. Or a boat.
Once we got back to town we did some market shopping and wandered aimlessly eventually realizing we were completely lost and asking everyone along the way for directions back to our hotel. It was good for a laugh and it's actually worth getting lost when you're with someone. Leila and I met Lisa and Jazmin later for dinner and drinks and watched the sunset. Then we walked around and saw the night market which was packed. It's basically vendors selling food in this big open garden area by the water and it seemed like everyone in town was there. After walking around a bit more we parted our ways and said our goodbyes since it was my last night. I'm so glad I met these girls because it ended up being such a good trip. Not that it wouldn't have been otherwise but it was cool to meet people from different places and we were all there for different reasons but connected and got along like close friends. Again my trip was nothing like I had expected but in all the best ways. I would have seriously kicked myself for not going.
Thursday, July 5, 2012
Rastas and Reggae
My last night in Paje was pretty eventful. I spent the day on the beach getting a tan (which ended up being a burn..oops!). Had some delicious lunch. Jazmin (from California) has introduced me to ordering meals to share so you get to try a bit of everything. Today was king prawns with a spicy lemon sauce and stir fried prawns in a garlic cilantro sauce with rice. Sooo good. With amazing fresh passion fruit juice of course. In the evening we played cards, which sounds lame but was actually so fun. I swear people were staring at us because we were laughing so hard. I feel like I've known these girls for so much longer than a day or two. Then there was a party going on at a bar nearby so we headed there after a few drinks. Tt was a bar full of rastas and reggae music. The coolest thing about Teddy's Place (where I stayed) was that all the guys who work there actually become your friends and come out at night and party with you and make you feel like part of the group and make sure you're having a good time. Which we did. We drank and danced in the sand most of the night and left around 3:30. My plan was to wake up early to see the sunrise but of course when my alarm went off at 5:45 I decided to sleep instead. After breakfast that morning I packed up and sat on the beach until the taxi showed up to take us to Stone Town.
Paje
Written June 30th
So it turns out i'm not going to Kendwa today. Plans change so easily when you go with the flow of things. Now i am spending one more night in Paje and tomorrow i'll be going back to Stone Town for 2 nights. Far different from my original plans but i think this works much better anyways. thats why making plans in advance sucks. i feel like there's been flashing signs telling me yes or no or good or bad. which is amazing because im the most indecisive person but it's been to easy to just make a decision in an instant. and i woke up today with a feeling that maybe i didnt want to travel all the way to kendwa when there is such a beautiful beach right here and it turned out there were no available beds in kenwa anyways so that seemed like a pretty clear sign to me. So i have spent the day lying around on the beach and got a henna tattoo for 7000 tsh. (like $4). while on the beach. and got a beautiful scraf too. what a glorious day it's been. about to go soak up some more sun and go for another walk along the beach now.
So it turns out i'm not going to Kendwa today. Plans change so easily when you go with the flow of things. Now i am spending one more night in Paje and tomorrow i'll be going back to Stone Town for 2 nights. Far different from my original plans but i think this works much better anyways. thats why making plans in advance sucks. i feel like there's been flashing signs telling me yes or no or good or bad. which is amazing because im the most indecisive person but it's been to easy to just make a decision in an instant. and i woke up today with a feeling that maybe i didnt want to travel all the way to kendwa when there is such a beautiful beach right here and it turned out there were no available beds in kenwa anyways so that seemed like a pretty clear sign to me. So i have spent the day lying around on the beach and got a henna tattoo for 7000 tsh. (like $4). while on the beach. and got a beautiful scraf too. what a glorious day it's been. about to go soak up some more sun and go for another walk along the beach now.
I may actually get something like this permanently tattooed..it's so gorgeous I don't want it to come off!
Zanzibar!
Written June 29th
What an awesome day. In 24 hours I have discovered how cool it is to travel alone. It forces me to be independent and meet people. It’s almost been too smooth.. it’s weird. Spent the first half of the day having breakfast on a roof terrace and chatting with some cool people I met; one from Canada, one from the states and one from the UK. And then I did a walking tour of stone town. Stone town is such a cool place to walk around I wish I had more time there. I’m glad I had a guide because it would be so easy to get lost there.. it’s small but at times I felt like we had just been walking in circles. We went to the market which had a beef section, a fruit and vegetable section, a spice section and a fish section. The beef and fish were just hanging around and laying on dirty counters and being dragged across the floor. The smell of the fish was overwhelmingly strong. I guess you have to avoid thinking about that process as you’re eating the meat in a restaurant. We went and saw the slave chambers where they actually used to hold the slaves. It was so creepy but I think it was my favourite part of the tour. We also saw the house of wonders, Freddy Mercury’s house, the palace museum and a bunch of the small shops. There were a couple things I didn’t get to see because there just wasn’t time. Maybe I’ll have to come back one day.
My room at Warere House
After the tour I headed to my second destination Paje to lounge on the beach. My dorm is pretty cool.. the floor is sand, as is the rest of the place. When I showed up I met one of the local guys who showed me the beach. The beach. Omg. So beautiful. I think it’s the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen. He found a coconut and we cracked it open and drank from it then ate it. It was pretty delicious. Then we wandered down the beach for a while. The sand is literally white and like soft powder. The water is so blue but a gorgeous turquoise near the shore. I have pictures but they don’t do it justice.
Later on I met the other 3 girls staying in my dorm. They came together but have only known each other for the last 3 or 4 days which I think is awesome. One is from Switzerland, one from California and one from England. I ended up hanging out with them last night and it looks like I might be heading to Kendwa with them after breakfast in the morning. I was planning on staying in Paje for 4 nights but plans may change. I had originally wanted to stay in Kendwa so I feel like this could be the perfect opportunity to see it. It’s a different area of the island and a totally different environment. And why not? So off we go after breakfast.
What an awesome day. In 24 hours I have discovered how cool it is to travel alone. It forces me to be independent and meet people. It’s almost been too smooth.. it’s weird. Spent the first half of the day having breakfast on a roof terrace and chatting with some cool people I met; one from Canada, one from the states and one from the UK. And then I did a walking tour of stone town. Stone town is such a cool place to walk around I wish I had more time there. I’m glad I had a guide because it would be so easy to get lost there.. it’s small but at times I felt like we had just been walking in circles. We went to the market which had a beef section, a fruit and vegetable section, a spice section and a fish section. The beef and fish were just hanging around and laying on dirty counters and being dragged across the floor. The smell of the fish was overwhelmingly strong. I guess you have to avoid thinking about that process as you’re eating the meat in a restaurant. We went and saw the slave chambers where they actually used to hold the slaves. It was so creepy but I think it was my favourite part of the tour. We also saw the house of wonders, Freddy Mercury’s house, the palace museum and a bunch of the small shops. There were a couple things I didn’t get to see because there just wasn’t time. Maybe I’ll have to come back one day.
My room at Warere House
Stairwell in what used to be an Arab mansion (now Warere)
Church built after the slave trade was abolished. Used to be the market where slaves were sold.
One of the slave chambers
After the tour I headed to my second destination Paje to lounge on the beach. My dorm is pretty cool.. the floor is sand, as is the rest of the place. When I showed up I met one of the local guys who showed me the beach. The beach. Omg. So beautiful. I think it’s the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen. He found a coconut and we cracked it open and drank from it then ate it. It was pretty delicious. Then we wandered down the beach for a while. The sand is literally white and like soft powder. The water is so blue but a gorgeous turquoise near the shore. I have pictures but they don’t do it justice.
My dorm in Paje
The beach. nbd.
Later on I met the other 3 girls staying in my dorm. They came together but have only known each other for the last 3 or 4 days which I think is awesome. One is from Switzerland, one from California and one from England. I ended up hanging out with them last night and it looks like I might be heading to Kendwa with them after breakfast in the morning. I was planning on staying in Paje for 4 nights but plans may change. I had originally wanted to stay in Kendwa so I feel like this could be the perfect opportunity to see it. It’s a different area of the island and a totally different environment. And why not? So off we go after breakfast.
Smooth sailing.. or should I say flying?
Somehow I don't feel worried at all. Like nothing bad could possibly happen to me. My friend described this feeling perfectly to me the other day. Like no matter what comes at you you will turn out ok and nothing can harm you because you are exactly where you're supposed to be. That's how I feel. My biggest fear I think of this whole trip was traveling alone and I'm doing it now and am not bothered at all. Somehow I just feel like everything's going to work out perfectly. Considering the fact that some guy ran off with my passport just before I was called to board the plane and I just had a stop in Kilimanjaro that I was not aware of, things are perfect. The guy delivered my passport right back to me on the plane (still not quite sure what he needed it for?) and I am now on my way to Dar es salaam, and, in fact, ahead of schedule. I think this proves how much I was meant to go on this trip. There have been no rough patches along the way. When everything happens so smoothly like that you must take it as a sign that you are doing something right. Thank you life, for leading me down the right path these past 3 months.
At the airport!
Written June 28th
At the airport about to be on my way to Zanzibar. I would have never thought 10 weeks ago that I would be here now. Going to Zanzibar was a dream and part of me really didn't believe I would actually go. And that was when I had other people planning to come with me. Now I am going by myself and I think it's actually better this way. A bit frightening but I am so looking forward to having alone time. It's impossible to live in the same room with two other people for 3 months. No personal space! I have a friend who shares a room with her sister and I do not understand how the hell she does that at 22 years old.
I feel weird being at the airport. I feel weird being alone even. I haven't had time to sit with myself for so long. And it doesn't really feel like I'm going anywhere yet I'll be on a plane in an hour. I suppose I should get used to this feeling, I'm gonna be in this situation a few more times. Maybe after this trip and my time in London I'll start doing a lot more traveling on my own. But I guess I'll wait and see how this goes to make sure it isn't the trip from hell. I don't wanna get ahead of myself.
Saying goodbyes
Written June 25
Today was an intense freaking day. I was not prepared for what came at me today. I have been anticipating saying some goodbyes this week at practicum so I have been prepping myself in order to stop myself from crying. It's not that I'm ashamed to show emotion (in fact if you know me you know I don't hold back in this department..I wear my heart on my sleeve) but more that I want to respect the cultural norms here. People don't cry publicly and I have really tried hard to do the same because I don't want to make others uncomfortable. But today it came out. Teresa actually started crying because of what I was saying about my experience with my practicum which I was not expecting at all. And this of course set me off and I teared up (with a bit of control at least) and then a couple of the women started tearing up too. And it's only Monday! Wtf!! Give me a break until Wednesday at least because that will be my real breaking point. I want to at least maintain some dignity while I still can. These people are going to think I'm dying or something when they see me cry. Such a mess. But this is just me. I think I'm the most outwardly emotional person I know and I'm ok with that, I just wish others could be. What is it about crying that makes people so uncomfortable? People always feel the need to make it stop. Did anyone ever think that maybe there's a healthy reason for tears? Maybe I should get some out of my system before Wednesday so that it's not as brutal when it happens in front of everyone. My goodness I am a freak aren't I?
Today was an intense freaking day. I was not prepared for what came at me today. I have been anticipating saying some goodbyes this week at practicum so I have been prepping myself in order to stop myself from crying. It's not that I'm ashamed to show emotion (in fact if you know me you know I don't hold back in this department..I wear my heart on my sleeve) but more that I want to respect the cultural norms here. People don't cry publicly and I have really tried hard to do the same because I don't want to make others uncomfortable. But today it came out. Teresa actually started crying because of what I was saying about my experience with my practicum which I was not expecting at all. And this of course set me off and I teared up (with a bit of control at least) and then a couple of the women started tearing up too. And it's only Monday! Wtf!! Give me a break until Wednesday at least because that will be my real breaking point. I want to at least maintain some dignity while I still can. These people are going to think I'm dying or something when they see me cry. Such a mess. But this is just me. I think I'm the most outwardly emotional person I know and I'm ok with that, I just wish others could be. What is it about crying that makes people so uncomfortable? People always feel the need to make it stop. Did anyone ever think that maybe there's a healthy reason for tears? Maybe I should get some out of my system before Wednesday so that it's not as brutal when it happens in front of everyone. My goodness I am a freak aren't I?
Myself and Teddy (one of the parents we work with)
A moment of grief
Written June 23rd
How can the world be so fucking cruel? And people wonder why I don't want to have children. I don't want to expose them to the potential horrors of life. You know when you hear about the awful things that happen on the news or you read something terrible in the paper but it's out of your mind as quickly as it entered as you move on to the next story? You really can't empathize with what that person is going to or imagine that things like that could happen until it happens to someone you care about. I found out something so brutal today that happened to a dear friend of mine and I can't get it out of my head. What happened to this friend is not the focus of my thoughts though. I'm wondering how we can still have faith in humanity with all of the fucked up shit that happens in this world. I try so hard to be positive and then suddenly I am blindsided by some overwhelmingly awful news that makes me feel physically sick and I remember the cruelty that exists out there. Is it possible to always see the best in everyone and find the bright side even in such a dark situation? Is it possible to see the purpose in everything? As someone who strongly believes that everything happens for reason, what reason did this happen for? Overwhelmed is how I feel at the moment. And sad and angry. Of course I know these things happen but I try to put them out of my mind because I don't want to confront these thoughts. It's just the injustice and unfairness of it that gets to me. And I see it everywhere here in Uganda. Starving children who are locked up in their dark houses day and night, 3 year olds on the streets of Kampala begging for money, grandmothers with HIV looking after their sick grand children with no support from anyone. Aids is everywhere. I found out yesterday that even my driver here has aids. No wonder he was so supportive of me giving blood.
What gets these people through the day? I honestly don't know if I would see life as worth living if I was in most of these situations. The resilience and drive these people possess is so inspiring. I need to surround myself with this energy when I get in these moods. I think if these people knew what else was out there in the world they may not be so motivated to keep going. And that would be an absolute tragedy. I wish Canada could adopt the strength and positivity of the Ugandan people. And we are the ones with everything yet complaining all the while.
How can the world be so fucking cruel? And people wonder why I don't want to have children. I don't want to expose them to the potential horrors of life. You know when you hear about the awful things that happen on the news or you read something terrible in the paper but it's out of your mind as quickly as it entered as you move on to the next story? You really can't empathize with what that person is going to or imagine that things like that could happen until it happens to someone you care about. I found out something so brutal today that happened to a dear friend of mine and I can't get it out of my head. What happened to this friend is not the focus of my thoughts though. I'm wondering how we can still have faith in humanity with all of the fucked up shit that happens in this world. I try so hard to be positive and then suddenly I am blindsided by some overwhelmingly awful news that makes me feel physically sick and I remember the cruelty that exists out there. Is it possible to always see the best in everyone and find the bright side even in such a dark situation? Is it possible to see the purpose in everything? As someone who strongly believes that everything happens for reason, what reason did this happen for? Overwhelmed is how I feel at the moment. And sad and angry. Of course I know these things happen but I try to put them out of my mind because I don't want to confront these thoughts. It's just the injustice and unfairness of it that gets to me. And I see it everywhere here in Uganda. Starving children who are locked up in their dark houses day and night, 3 year olds on the streets of Kampala begging for money, grandmothers with HIV looking after their sick grand children with no support from anyone. Aids is everywhere. I found out yesterday that even my driver here has aids. No wonder he was so supportive of me giving blood.
What gets these people through the day? I honestly don't know if I would see life as worth living if I was in most of these situations. The resilience and drive these people possess is so inspiring. I need to surround myself with this energy when I get in these moods. I think if these people knew what else was out there in the world they may not be so motivated to keep going. And that would be an absolute tragedy. I wish Canada could adopt the strength and positivity of the Ugandan people. And we are the ones with everything yet complaining all the while.
Written June 20th
I can't help but wonder if life is going to get better from here. I have felt so blissful at some points during this trip that I wonder if it could possibly get better from here. But it must, otherwise I am not going home. I wonder where I'll live when I start getting ready to move out. I am reconsidering the idea of living in new west/burnaby area. I may need to be somewhere more peaceful. Some place my own, away from negativity and a life I don’t want to live. I have realized here how much other people's negativity really affects me. The constant complaining and under appreciation of everything just drives me mental. Like ok, I am sorry you had to wait 5 minutes for your coffee, do you truly believe that it can't get worse than that? Even some of my own friends, who I love dearly, I am happy to be away from if I'm being completely honest. I have never imagined any other general purpose of life than to simply enjoy it. But evidently not everyone feels that way and it’s so sad. If you don't enjoy life then what are you doing here? I may actually have to physically separate myself from people. I refuse to let someone else's attitude and negative energy bring me down. I needed to separate myself from that and it came at the perfect time. Unfortunately as I’ve been transforming, everyone else has remained the same for the most part.
I imagine life is not going to be easy when I get back. You would think that being so privileged back home and going from a developing country where I don't even have a shower to a place like Canada where everything is convenient, that life would be quite easy. However, I have been quite content with the basics. How do I relate to anyone anymore? People just don’t fucking GET IT. It's become apparent that my worst fears about going home are going to come true. Except when it comes to my family. I think they have really developed a deeper understanding of me and an appreciation. They are proud of me and are trying to be more mindful. I can respect that. I do look forward to seeing them the most. Maybe I just need a little more faith in people.
I can't help but wonder if life is going to get better from here. I have felt so blissful at some points during this trip that I wonder if it could possibly get better from here. But it must, otherwise I am not going home. I wonder where I'll live when I start getting ready to move out. I am reconsidering the idea of living in new west/burnaby area. I may need to be somewhere more peaceful. Some place my own, away from negativity and a life I don’t want to live. I have realized here how much other people's negativity really affects me. The constant complaining and under appreciation of everything just drives me mental. Like ok, I am sorry you had to wait 5 minutes for your coffee, do you truly believe that it can't get worse than that? Even some of my own friends, who I love dearly, I am happy to be away from if I'm being completely honest. I have never imagined any other general purpose of life than to simply enjoy it. But evidently not everyone feels that way and it’s so sad. If you don't enjoy life then what are you doing here? I may actually have to physically separate myself from people. I refuse to let someone else's attitude and negative energy bring me down. I needed to separate myself from that and it came at the perfect time. Unfortunately as I’ve been transforming, everyone else has remained the same for the most part.
I imagine life is not going to be easy when I get back. You would think that being so privileged back home and going from a developing country where I don't even have a shower to a place like Canada where everything is convenient, that life would be quite easy. However, I have been quite content with the basics. How do I relate to anyone anymore? People just don’t fucking GET IT. It's become apparent that my worst fears about going home are going to come true. Except when it comes to my family. I think they have really developed a deeper understanding of me and an appreciation. They are proud of me and are trying to be more mindful. I can respect that. I do look forward to seeing them the most. Maybe I just need a little more faith in people.
Mind whirling..
Written June 17th
Hmmm.. Where to begin? I have a million things going through my head this evening. I can't stop feeling so emotional about leaving Uganda. Of course I don't want the focus of the last few weeks of my trip to be on my departure but I am forced to realize how little time I have left every time I think of a flight, a deadline, a plan, a timeline. It's impossible to avoid the inevitable. I have to go home. I am seriously worried about how I will handle this. I never imagined that going home would be an issue for me. I am almost wishing I didn't have to spend time in London because I wonder if it's just going to be a completely depressing 10 days. I imagine myself crying the entire car ride to the airport and the entire plane ride to London. It's the only thing these past 2 months that has made me get really emotional. I'm laying here in bed crying about going home. It's ridiculous. I feel like I belong here. I've never believed much in traveling to a place more than once but this one is an exception. If I don't come back here I will be very surprised and disappointed. And I bet I'll stay longer than 3 months next time. I may have to find some kind of paid employment next time I'm here in order to pay for the trip. Sighhhhh. The places my mind wanders.. Sometimes I think I may be a bit insane. Does the rest of the world have a hundred thoughts going through their minds at once or is it just me? I feel like if I had to live with myself, just myself, for like a month, I would go insane. My constant thoughts would drive me crazy. I neeeeeeeeed to break this stuff down. Thank goodness for Zanzibar. Then I am thrown into the craziness of London. Ugh, what was I thinking? But what's done is done and I am going to have as much fun as possible.
Hmmm.. Where to begin? I have a million things going through my head this evening. I can't stop feeling so emotional about leaving Uganda. Of course I don't want the focus of the last few weeks of my trip to be on my departure but I am forced to realize how little time I have left every time I think of a flight, a deadline, a plan, a timeline. It's impossible to avoid the inevitable. I have to go home. I am seriously worried about how I will handle this. I never imagined that going home would be an issue for me. I am almost wishing I didn't have to spend time in London because I wonder if it's just going to be a completely depressing 10 days. I imagine myself crying the entire car ride to the airport and the entire plane ride to London. It's the only thing these past 2 months that has made me get really emotional. I'm laying here in bed crying about going home. It's ridiculous. I feel like I belong here. I've never believed much in traveling to a place more than once but this one is an exception. If I don't come back here I will be very surprised and disappointed. And I bet I'll stay longer than 3 months next time. I may have to find some kind of paid employment next time I'm here in order to pay for the trip. Sighhhhh. The places my mind wanders.. Sometimes I think I may be a bit insane. Does the rest of the world have a hundred thoughts going through their minds at once or is it just me? I feel like if I had to live with myself, just myself, for like a month, I would go insane. My constant thoughts would drive me crazy. I neeeeeeeeed to break this stuff down. Thank goodness for Zanzibar. Then I am thrown into the craziness of London. Ugh, what was I thinking? But what's done is done and I am going to have as much fun as possible.
To do list
Written June 16th
There is not much about home that I am looking forward to. I suppose I miss the comfort of my family and the security of having an income.. Especially since I am spending so much money here. I just feel like it’s going to be so difficult to go back. I can’t live life the same way I was before I came here. Perhaps I need different friends. Of course I love the ones I have now but there are people in my life that I just don’t need to have around. Honestly before coming here I assumed that I would become so close to the other girls from the project on this trip but that really hasn't happened. I’ve hardly spoken to any of them and that’s ok, but I’m a bit surprised by that. I think I made the assumption that we would all be like-minded people with similar intentions who would become best friends but I’ve discovered that that really isn’t the case. Once again things have ended up not as they originally seemed. I am so grateful for the project and so glad I got to come here and have this experience but I don’t think that it was the Uganda Project itself that actually made it so worthwhile for me. Yes, it’s what got me here, but it’s not what determined my experience.
I feel like I need to make a list of things to do once I’m home. There are so many things I want to do and I can hardly keep them straight. And if I can occupy my time then maybe I will stay sane. If I go back home and just work my meaningless job all summer I will actually shrivel up and die. My soul will deflate. And I can’t let that happen. I’ll make the list now because I need to get excited about something.
Things I need to do once I am home:
- Go to Kelowna
- Look into volunteering!
- Exercise
- Bikrams!
- Make money
- Pay off my debts (hence the making money)
- Go to Roosters (this one is a bit random but totally necessary)
- Go camping - as much as possible!
- Learn to ride a motorcycle
- Get a motorcycle license
- Tie dye some clothes
- Go to Birch Bay
Challenge accepted.
There is not much about home that I am looking forward to. I suppose I miss the comfort of my family and the security of having an income.. Especially since I am spending so much money here. I just feel like it’s going to be so difficult to go back. I can’t live life the same way I was before I came here. Perhaps I need different friends. Of course I love the ones I have now but there are people in my life that I just don’t need to have around. Honestly before coming here I assumed that I would become so close to the other girls from the project on this trip but that really hasn't happened. I’ve hardly spoken to any of them and that’s ok, but I’m a bit surprised by that. I think I made the assumption that we would all be like-minded people with similar intentions who would become best friends but I’ve discovered that that really isn’t the case. Once again things have ended up not as they originally seemed. I am so grateful for the project and so glad I got to come here and have this experience but I don’t think that it was the Uganda Project itself that actually made it so worthwhile for me. Yes, it’s what got me here, but it’s not what determined my experience.
I feel like I need to make a list of things to do once I’m home. There are so many things I want to do and I can hardly keep them straight. And if I can occupy my time then maybe I will stay sane. If I go back home and just work my meaningless job all summer I will actually shrivel up and die. My soul will deflate. And I can’t let that happen. I’ll make the list now because I need to get excited about something.
Things I need to do once I am home:
- Go to Kelowna
- Look into volunteering!
- Exercise
- Bikrams!
- Make money
- Pay off my debts (hence the making money)
- Go to Roosters (this one is a bit random but totally necessary)
- Go camping - as much as possible!
- Learn to ride a motorcycle
- Get a motorcycle license
- Tie dye some clothes
- Go to Birch Bay
Challenge accepted.
Sunday, July 1, 2012
Not ready to go
Written June 14th
Sometimes when I remember that I’m in Uganda (because often times I feel so at home that I forget I’m in Africa) I realize how amazing it is to be here, how lucky I am, and how proud I am of myself for being so successful here. At least successful in my opinion. I never thought I could accomplish what I have accomplished and can hardly believe that in the beginning I was ready to give up simply because I was afraid to fail. I never imagined that I had the capacity to handle this. Considering my circumstances and fears and reservations about this trip I think I have done extremely well for myself. Especially compared to some of the others who were so overly confident with themselves who I once envied. I have even been about to embrace the most frustrating and difficult situations. Perhaps not in the moment, I am no saint, but certainly after I have had some time to reflect I am able to understand that I was faced with these challenges for a specific reason. There is no such thing as coincidence in this world as far as I see it. Even the little things that have gotten to me – like conflict with my roommate – I have been able to learn from. If nothing else I have learned more about myself, which was what I was hoping to accomplish here. I have met some truly amazing people and developed friendships that I hope will be life long, and these people have opened my eyes to so many things. I have pushed myself, with the help of others, to exit my comfort zone and to assert myself and reach for the things that I want, no matter how scary it might be. I would not be going to Zanzibar at the end of this trip had it not been for the support and push of a couple people who knew how much I would have regretted not taking the plunge. The support I have received has helped me to succeed but my inner strength has been what’s gotten me through when it comes down to it. Strength that I didn’t know existed. I’ve never felt so strong, so blessed, so thankful, so loved, and so many other positive things that I can’t even put into words. I can’t help but wonder how different my experience could have been had I not had such wonderful support from home and on the ground. I also feel so thankful for Joan. Walking into the house the first day to see that I had not one, but two roommates, I must admit I wasn’t too thrilled. But at this point in my adventure I don’t know how I could have handled certain things without her. I have grown quite fond of her and she has really helped me stay sane. She knows how to interject herself at the best times. I feel a bit repetitive as I could go on and on about all of the positive things I am experiencing but I suppose I should give some thought to what I have been avoiding thinking about – leaving.
Leaving Uganda. Not something I am ready to do. The closer I get to the end of my trip the less prepared I feel to leave. It’s possible I may feel differently in 3 weeks but I somehow doubt it. Time has flown, and every time I plan a weekend it is bittersweet. Making plans is exciting but thinking about the fact that I have to leave behind this beautiful country, the wonderful people, Carli, Robert, the kids, my coworkers, the adventurous lifestyle; it’s truly heartbreaking. What I keep in mind is that someday and somehow I will return. Whether it’s on my own or with another group, I must come back. I am too invested here; it’s a piece of my heart and a home away from home.
Once again I snap back into reality as I notice I am writing this entry in a van with the wind blowing through my hair on the way to Queen Elizabeth Park. Amazing. All I see is green and red and paved (thank goodness) road. How lucky am I?
Sometimes when I remember that I’m in Uganda (because often times I feel so at home that I forget I’m in Africa) I realize how amazing it is to be here, how lucky I am, and how proud I am of myself for being so successful here. At least successful in my opinion. I never thought I could accomplish what I have accomplished and can hardly believe that in the beginning I was ready to give up simply because I was afraid to fail. I never imagined that I had the capacity to handle this. Considering my circumstances and fears and reservations about this trip I think I have done extremely well for myself. Especially compared to some of the others who were so overly confident with themselves who I once envied. I have even been about to embrace the most frustrating and difficult situations. Perhaps not in the moment, I am no saint, but certainly after I have had some time to reflect I am able to understand that I was faced with these challenges for a specific reason. There is no such thing as coincidence in this world as far as I see it. Even the little things that have gotten to me – like conflict with my roommate – I have been able to learn from. If nothing else I have learned more about myself, which was what I was hoping to accomplish here. I have met some truly amazing people and developed friendships that I hope will be life long, and these people have opened my eyes to so many things. I have pushed myself, with the help of others, to exit my comfort zone and to assert myself and reach for the things that I want, no matter how scary it might be. I would not be going to Zanzibar at the end of this trip had it not been for the support and push of a couple people who knew how much I would have regretted not taking the plunge. The support I have received has helped me to succeed but my inner strength has been what’s gotten me through when it comes down to it. Strength that I didn’t know existed. I’ve never felt so strong, so blessed, so thankful, so loved, and so many other positive things that I can’t even put into words. I can’t help but wonder how different my experience could have been had I not had such wonderful support from home and on the ground. I also feel so thankful for Joan. Walking into the house the first day to see that I had not one, but two roommates, I must admit I wasn’t too thrilled. But at this point in my adventure I don’t know how I could have handled certain things without her. I have grown quite fond of her and she has really helped me stay sane. She knows how to interject herself at the best times. I feel a bit repetitive as I could go on and on about all of the positive things I am experiencing but I suppose I should give some thought to what I have been avoiding thinking about – leaving.
Leaving Uganda. Not something I am ready to do. The closer I get to the end of my trip the less prepared I feel to leave. It’s possible I may feel differently in 3 weeks but I somehow doubt it. Time has flown, and every time I plan a weekend it is bittersweet. Making plans is exciting but thinking about the fact that I have to leave behind this beautiful country, the wonderful people, Carli, Robert, the kids, my coworkers, the adventurous lifestyle; it’s truly heartbreaking. What I keep in mind is that someday and somehow I will return. Whether it’s on my own or with another group, I must come back. I am too invested here; it’s a piece of my heart and a home away from home.
Once again I snap back into reality as I notice I am writing this entry in a van with the wind blowing through my hair on the way to Queen Elizabeth Park. Amazing. All I see is green and red and paved (thank goodness) road. How lucky am I?
Tonight I wanna cry
Date unknown
I’ve never been in a situation where I had no hope of any privacy for such a long period of time. Even living at home in a family of 4 I still have my room to escape to that is my own personal space. Here I can’t even cry anywhere because I’m never alone. Except those odd silent tears that seem to come out of nowhere that I can’t control. That’s probably why I haven’t cried much here; I haven’t had the time or space. At first I was ok with not getting emotional but now I’m worried that I’m going to go home and have an absolute meltdown because everything is going to come at me at once. All I want to do is cry. I need a release. Even under normal life circumstances my body isn’t used to holding in tears for this long. Never mind the amount of things I have seen, felt and experienced while I’ve been away. I have felt like crying at times and literally just haven’t been able to because I’ve got two roommates in very close proximity to me. I feel like I need a friend or a hug or something. Even though Carli is great to talk to and I do consider her a friend, and same with Joan, I don’t want to burden them with my issues. And there are certain things I don’t feel comfortable sharing. Even more than that they are things I don’t feel like explaining because not only do I think they wouldn’t really understand them, but I’m not sure I even understand them myself. And that’s what’s uncomfortable about it. The fact that I haven’t come to terms with these “issues” I will call them, on my own. Most people see things as black and white, or it’s one way or the other. And when it comes to this, it’s a total grey area, and people don’t understand grey areas. Of course I can’t put all people under the same category and say that no one understands anything but I feel some things are only understood if you’ve actually experienced them yourself. And if you haven’t, it’s hard to grasp. I know this is true because I didn’t grasp it before I experienced it. What it comes down to is me being afraid of talking to people about shit and being judged or treated differently for being honest with myself.
Another busy week
Written June 7th
This week at practicum has been quite eventful. Some days are so exhausting because of the amount of walking we do. It really makes me have respect for the people who do this walking every day and it makes me appreciate the fact that I have my own car at home. Some days we walk between 5 and 10 kilometers; and in the heat it can get pretty intense. What gets me through is knowing how much the families appreciate our visits and keeping in mind that some of these grandmothers do this walking every day, or every time they need to get to town. We had one long day of walking on Tuesday. I made the mistake of wearing jeans because the morning had been a bit cooler and I really didn’t think I was going to make it I was so exhausted from the journey. On Wednesday we stayed at the center and did some case sharing where I got my chance to talk about one particular case and brainstorm ideas on how we might intervene. It was very positive and I received good feedback on the information and background I had. We had two visitors with us for this as well; two social workers, with one continuing her studies at Makarere University. Later that day we actually had university students come to the center to visit us and learn more about the area of disabilities. For this we brought a few children to the center, one being Josephine, the girl I had reported about. The other was having a cast made which was demonstrated in front of everyone. The other was a young woman we had met the day before who had a success story to share with the group. There were about 25 students that came and once they entered to observe Josephine I was called on to give the students her background and her current issues and challenges. I wasn’t expecting to be on the spot but it was really quite easy since I have visited Josephine many times and know her case well. Not all of the students were in the field of social services or community work; some had bachelors of Arts or were studying business. It was interesting that they all wanted the opportunity to learn from our center.
On Thursday I had the chance to attend a meeting with Carli. She had been invited to a group called the International Women’s Organisation, based here in Kampala. I got to attend the meeting with her, which happens the first Thursday of every month. The group aims to empower women, give each other opportunities to share what they are doing in the community, and make friends. We met some very intelligent and pleasant people at the meeting, and it was exciting to see that Carli will be able to make some friends here since she doesn’t know many people. They had a female Ugandan author as a guest speaker who was very interesting and had much to say about writing and doing the work you are passionate about. The meetings have different guest speakers every month, and I believe the woman who invited Carli was hoping that she would speak at a meeting. I am going to send an email to the IWO coordinator and nominate her as a speaker because she has a wonderful story to tell and could gain a lot of support that way.
As it is coming to the end of my time in Uganda I am getting sad. It’s when I think of my weekend plans that I realize how little time I have left. This weekend is my birthday and we have many things planned for that, next weekend will be Queen Elizabeth Park, and after that there are only two more weeks of practicum and two more weekends. I must focus on the positive but I honestly don’t know how I’m going to leave this place. It has become my home. I can’t even begin to explain what I have gained from every piece of this experience.
Halfway through
Written May 23rd
It is coming to the end of our 5th week in Uganda. I can’t even believe I’m almost halfway through my time here. It’s a bit heartbreaking for me but at the same time I am so proud of what I have accomplished so far and truly pleased at how well I have adapted to this life here. I had been preparing for the worst and going over one of the Uganda Project booklets wondering when my “honeymoon phase” will be over, waiting for that dark depression to come. But nothing has really troubled me and it’s great. Preparing for the worst must have helped me in a way because I have had an amazing time here and I don’t even want to think about leaving. I have tough moments at practicum and moments where I miss my family but I have not once said to myself, ‘I want to go home’, which is exactly how I expected to feel for my first week here. When that didn’t happen, I then assumed it would happen my second week or third week but nope, I am still going strong. I just keep thinking of how much I need to cherish every moment here because soon enough I will be back home and I will have no way to capture life in Uganda other than with my photos and memories.
It is coming to the end of our 5th week in Uganda. I can’t even believe I’m almost halfway through my time here. It’s a bit heartbreaking for me but at the same time I am so proud of what I have accomplished so far and truly pleased at how well I have adapted to this life here. I had been preparing for the worst and going over one of the Uganda Project booklets wondering when my “honeymoon phase” will be over, waiting for that dark depression to come. But nothing has really troubled me and it’s great. Preparing for the worst must have helped me in a way because I have had an amazing time here and I don’t even want to think about leaving. I have tough moments at practicum and moments where I miss my family but I have not once said to myself, ‘I want to go home’, which is exactly how I expected to feel for my first week here. When that didn’t happen, I then assumed it would happen my second week or third week but nope, I am still going strong. I just keep thinking of how much I need to cherish every moment here because soon enough I will be back home and I will have no way to capture life in Uganda other than with my photos and memories.
Today at practicum we did a bit of case sharing as a group before going out to the field. I was prepared to talk about a case that has stayed particularly close to my heart from my first day. The girl’s name is Josephine. We have visited her and her grandmother many times now; luckily she is very close to our centre. The sad thing is that there never seems to be any improvement and often times I feel things are getting worse for her. I wanted to share my observations of her case but we ran out of time after talking about Teresa’s case of another young girl named Bridget. We had to go out to the field and this time we visited a Day Care/kindergarden school and a primary school called Veronica’s Primary School. We had originally thought we would find 2 or 3 children there with disabilities but ended up meeting 11. Some had problems with vision and hearing, one has osteomyelitis, others had mental challenges or other physical challenges. It was an interesting day and I really enjoyed seeing the school. The kids were all crowding around wanting to know what was happening. Sometimes I feel like an animal caged in a zoo here because everywhere we go it feels like we are on display. It will be interesting going home and not getting all of that attention; not having every single child I pass yelling “bye mzungu!”
Written May 15th
When people pop back into your life, it must be for a specific reason right? People don’t just reappear after 3 years of cut ties for nothing. I used to believe that it was to teach me something, but now I am wondering if I might be meant to teach them something. For some reason this person was drawn to me for no cause of my own. Perhaps it is them who needs guidance and is looking to me for it. Or maybe they just want to make amends for some personal satisfaction of their own. I guess I will find out. I must not hold grudges and anger for things so insignificant and instead let things flow the way they will. Stop fighting it. Resistance will strengthen the force. When you do not resist, you are no longer challenging yourself in a negative way. Accept what is inevitable.
Out of body..
Written May 8th
Yup, my emotional wall has definitely been broken. I did pretty good.. almost 3 weeks with no tears. Here’s hoping I’m not an absolute mess for the next 7 weeks. I had a moment yesterday that was something like an out of body experience. Or like a dream that you only remember a while after it happened because something triggers the memory. I was sitting in the home of a 15 year old girl who struggles with a mental illness and lives with her elderly grandmother in a very rural village far from town. Her parents had abandoned her because they didn’t want a child with a disability (quite typical in Uganda). This girl started to pray in front of us, in her local language. She was asking God to give her and her grandmother money for medication to treat her condition. A wave of emotions hit me like a ton of bricks in two ways. First, I started to reflect on my work back home. And I wondered about the amount of medications that are administered on a regular basis and how much we take medicine for granted in Canada; often taking unnecessary amounts for something as minor as a headache. I started to feel disgusted with this and I had so many questions about my practice. The second piece of this was a sudden feeling or realization that I was exactly where I was supposed to be in that moment in time and Uganda is where I belong right now. This is what I mean when I say it was like a dream that I had so long ago but couldn’t remember until it was happening; like déjà vu. I have not questioned whether or not I was meant to be here since I arrived, but suddenly it became even more clear in this moment sitting in this home. Before coming here I had so many doubts and had questioned whether or not I was a good fit for Uganda because I had never in my life considered myself for such a task. But as I watched myself (from outside of my body of course) sitting there listening to this girl’s story I realized I am doing it, I am capable and cut out for this work, and this is exactly where the universe needs me to be right now. I don’t know if I could even explain the reason why, but I can say I have never felt so sure about anything as I did in that particular moment, and still do now. What an amazing feeling. I wish I could feel so sure about every aspect of my life. I feel so blessed today.
And finally I cried
Written May 3
An emotional door opened today. I’ve been wondering when I was going to crack; apparently it didn’t take much. This morning I had a conversation with Kelli over skype which was great. It was nice to see her and hear her voice. I was told by her that my mom wanted me to call her after our conversation and I knew that something was not right about that. I have kept in good contact with my family so why did she need to talk to me? Well my dog was put to sleep that day and that’s what she needed to tell me. My dog is old and sick and I had a feeling that when I left I probably would not see her again but it’s still not something that anyone is fully prepared for. Once I started crying it has been hard to stop. It’s as if that one thing has provided a doorway for all of my emotions to come rushing through and I can’t close it. Carli was great today; I told her what had happened and asked for a few hours to just go upstairs and stay in my room before working with the kids and she had no problem with that. I listened to music, cried, and slept – pretty much what I do when I’m upset. Carli came upstairs around 2 and asked me if I would like to go out to the store with her to get away for a bit and run some errands, and I was so glad to do so. Just having the day to rest and get out of the house was what I needed, and though I don’t feel 100% ok with the loss of my dog, I do feel better and I will get over it eventually. For now I must focus on the moments I am here and live in them. I will accept my emotions as they come for what they are and I will do my best to manage them. Tomorrow is another day, life comes with bumps in the road.
Just breathe
Written April 29th
Today I am feeling a bit rough after last night’s activities. Me and a few of the girls ended up staying up until 5am hanging out in their outdoor dining area drinking beer, playing cards, chatting and listening to music. (And singing along to some songs which probably didn’t sound as good as we thought it did at the time.) It was exactly what I needed this weekend. I have been feeling so not myself being around my roommate because her constant mindless chatter and nervous energy has really shut me down. I must keep in mind that I was put with her for a specific reason and she is here for a reason. I feel like I am handling it well but I could be handling it a lot better. It’s so difficult for me not to feel like I am being mean by telling her to basically back off and leave me alone. But I neeeeeeed space so badly. Like this weekend I actually felt normal. Not insane the way I often feel around her. I need to be able to walk away without her following. Or to have time with Carli without her tagging along. I can see this being a long 10 weeks. But this is my path and my destiny and I will make the best of it in every way possible. I just have to keep reminding myself to stay in check.
First day of work
Written April 23rd
Today was our first day of practicum. It was a pretty hectic day, to say the least. First off, it was a bit of a hassle getting there because Robert wasn’t quite familiar with where the place was, and it took a while to get there because we were stuck in a traffic jam and didn’t move for 15 minutes at one point. Once we reached our destination, the Katalemwa Cheshire Home, we were taken to reception and told that the people Diana had been in contact with no longer work for them, and they were not expecting us at all. This was obviously shocking to us because we were expecting to be welcomed and that they would have something set up for us. But anyways, long story short, it seems as though our contacts Edrine and Connie have since relocated to another organization called the Centre for Disability and Rehabilitation Uganda. This location is about 3 km from Katalemwa so it’s not much further and I have a really good feeling about it. It’s a parent led organization, and most of the staff are volunteers themselves, because they are a fairly new organization and they don’t have much funding secured. I really respect the philosophy they have of empowering the families and the parents to change their attitudes towards disabled children, and to learn how to give therapy to their own children when going elsewhere to receive care is not an option. They have many different programs that they take part in, and some of that is outreach into the villages. So they have certain clients around various areas that they go to check on maybe once or twice a week to see how they are doing, and we actually got to go with them today to do that. So we went with two of the parents, a social worker and occupational therapist named Alex, and Sarah, who is trained in orthopedics. We visited a 9 year old girl who lives with her grandmother because her parents abandoned her. Josephine has cerebral palsy, which is very common in Uganda. Her grandmother is 89 and is sick with cancer and doesn’t have much strength to take care of herself, let alone Josephine. She does what she can to make little bits of money here and there but Josephine is severely malnourished. She can’t weigh more than 40 pounds, and it was difficult to watch how weak she was. I felt like she was dying in front of us, I had to hold in tears a few times because I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. I had expected to be in these scenarios but today was my first time actually witnessing one particularly difficult one. I am amazed I have not broken down yet over this as normally I am so emotional. I guess I am handling it in a different way than I normally would be since I am in such a different environment. I’m sure I will hit my wall eventually.
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