Not ready to go

Written June 14th


Sometimes when I remember that I’m in Uganda (because often times I feel so at home that I forget I’m in Africa) I realize how amazing it is to be here, how lucky I am, and how proud I am of myself for being so successful here. At least successful in my opinion. I never thought I could accomplish what I have accomplished and can hardly believe that in the beginning I was ready to give up simply because I was afraid to fail. I never imagined that I had the capacity to handle this. Considering my circumstances and fears and reservations about this trip I think I have done extremely well for myself. Especially compared to some of the others who were so overly confident with themselves who I once envied. I have even been about to embrace the most frustrating and difficult situations. Perhaps not in the moment, I am no saint, but certainly after I have had some time to reflect I am able to understand that I was faced with these challenges for a specific reason. There is no such thing as coincidence in this world as far as I see it. Even the little things that have gotten to me – like conflict with my roommate – I have been able to learn from. If nothing else I have learned more about myself, which was what I was hoping to accomplish here. I have met some truly amazing people and developed friendships that I hope will be life long, and these people have opened my eyes to so many things. I have pushed myself, with the help of others, to exit my comfort zone and to assert myself and reach for the things that I want, no matter how scary it might be. I would not be going to Zanzibar at the end of this trip had it not been for the support and push of a couple people who knew how much I would have regretted not taking the plunge. The support I have received has helped me to succeed but my inner strength has been what’s gotten me through when it comes down to it. Strength that I didn’t know existed. I’ve never felt so strong, so blessed, so thankful, so loved, and so many other positive things that I can’t even put into words. I can’t help but wonder how different my experience could have been had I not had such wonderful support from home and on the ground. I also feel so thankful for Joan. Walking into the house the first day to see that I had not one, but two roommates, I must admit I wasn’t too thrilled. But at this point in my adventure I don’t know how I could have handled certain things without her. I have grown quite fond of her and she has really helped me stay sane. She knows how to interject herself at the best times. I feel a bit repetitive as I could go on and on about all of the positive things I am experiencing but I suppose I should give some thought to what I have been avoiding thinking about – leaving.

Leaving Uganda. Not something I am ready to do. The closer I get to the end of my trip the less prepared I feel to leave. It’s possible I may feel differently in 3 weeks but I somehow doubt it. Time has flown, and every time I plan a weekend it is bittersweet. Making plans is exciting but thinking about the fact that I have to leave behind this beautiful country, the wonderful people, Carli, Robert, the kids, my coworkers, the adventurous lifestyle; it’s truly heartbreaking. What I keep in mind is that someday and somehow I will return. Whether it’s on my own or with another group, I must come back. I am too invested here; it’s a piece of my heart and a home away from home.

Once again I snap back into reality as I notice I am writing this entry in a van with the wind blowing through my hair on the way to Queen Elizabeth Park. Amazing. All I see is green and red and paved (thank goodness) road. How lucky am I?