life can be a bitch sometimes

Death is something I've never really had to deal with before. I've never had anyone in my life die except my great grandpa when I was 9 (and it didn't really affect me then) and my dog this year. Now my great grandmother is dying in the hospital and seeing her today has put me into a black hole of contemplation. I have spent hours crying and I don't even know why. It's her time - she's 93 years old and she's perfectly content with her life soon coming to an end. But I can't stop crying about it. And it opened a door.

Seeing her and all of this crying I have done has made me start thinking about so many things. Even though she's lived a very long life, facing death is facing the realization that life doesn't go on forever and there's no time to be wasted doing what isn't right. I'm not satisfied with some things in my life right now and I know I need to change that but I have no idea how. All I know is that when I'm close to death I want to know that I lived my life to the fullest and did what made me happy. I'm not someone who can work a job that gives me no satisfaction and stay in it because of security and convenience. Yes I can be that person but I don't want to be. Eventually it's going to get so tiring that I can't take it anymore.

I'm so exhausted yet I feel like I may not sleep tonight. Like I could stay up all night thinking about my life and what I want it to look like. I have let myself remain so constantly occupied lately that I've taken no time to actually think about what living my life means because my life is busy living me. And I'm pretty sure I've subconciously done that to avoid thinking about all of this stuff. What do I want to do? What do I want to accomplish? What changes do I need to make to get on the right track? I have so many questions going through my head and not many answers. It's crazy to me that all of these thoughts have come about today. All it took was some time to myself and a horribly emotional day to get to this point.

My brain is in overdrive right now and I could probably write forever and ever but I doubt every thought I have will be all that interesting to read. So perhaps I'll end it here for now and leave the rest for another day.