Tonight I wanna cry

Date unknown

I’ve never been in a situation where I had no hope of any privacy for such a long period of time. Even living at home in a family of 4 I still have my room to escape to that is my own personal space. Here I can’t even cry anywhere because I’m never alone. Except those odd silent tears that seem to come out of nowhere that I can’t control. That’s probably why I haven’t cried much here; I haven’t had the time or space. At first I was ok with not getting emotional but now I’m worried that I’m going to go home and have an absolute meltdown because everything is going to come at me at once. All I want to do is cry. I need a release. Even under normal life circumstances my body isn’t used to holding in tears for this long. Never mind the amount of things I have seen, felt and experienced while I’ve been away. I have felt like crying at times and literally just haven’t been able to because I’ve got two roommates in very close proximity to me. I feel like I need a friend or a hug or something. Even though Carli is great to talk to and I do consider her a friend, and same with Joan, I don’t want to burden them with my issues. And there are certain things I don’t feel comfortable sharing. Even more than that they are things I don’t feel like explaining because not only do I think they wouldn’t really understand them, but I’m not sure I even understand them myself. And that’s what’s uncomfortable about it. The fact that I haven’t come to terms with these “issues” I will call them, on my own. Most people see things as black and white, or it’s one way or the other. And when it comes to this, it’s a total grey area, and people don’t understand grey areas. Of course I can’t put all people under the same category and say that no one understands anything but I feel some things are only understood if you’ve actually experienced them yourself. And if you haven’t, it’s hard to grasp. I know this is true because I didn’t grasp it before I experienced it. What it comes down to is me being afraid of talking to people about shit and being judged or treated differently for being honest with myself.