Some post-trip reflections

Sooo I've been back in Vancouver for almost 2 weeks now. It feels surprisingly normal even though everything is completely different.

Going to Europe after Uganda was definitely the best decision I could have made. It gave me a true vacation after my time in Uganda which I really needed. I don't think I realized how critical that was until now. I know now how important that piece of my trip was because I don't feel at all the way I felt after my first trip to Uganda. I don't feel extremely attached to Uganda still and I don't feel depressed about being home. I think having that time to just do what I wanted and to unwind and have some fun was a really vital part of why I feel the way I do now. I actually feel content. The same way I felt while I was away and I still feel that way which is hugely important. I'm also really looking forward to my future and going back to school and going back to work. I just feel so much more positive and inspired and I think that attitude is going to have a hugely positive impact on my day to day life. Though while at work or around friends etc. I can always play the role of happy and positive, but today I truly feel that way deep down.

I identified so much with my experiences in Uganda that it felt like an overwhelming part of who I was. And though I still see how much it has changed me and how much those experiences continue to influence aspects of my life, I also now see that it's just a piece of the puzzle. I can use my experiences and the knowledge I gained from Uganda in situations when necessary, but I will continue to learn and grow from other things as well. I also felt trapped by my knowledge in some ways because the experiences were so difficult to go through and so impossible to explain to people. But now I feel differently. Like explaining them to people isn't really important. Unless someone who truly cares and wants to know asks me about it, I really don't have to explain anything to anyone or expect people to understand. It can just be my own personal private experience (well, talked about publicly on this blog but whatever) and that's ok. It doesn't have to be justified by others. I don't need people to jump on board with me because I know the importance it has had in my life and that's what matters at the end of the day. And for me, keeping in contact with those who are also connected to Uganda is all I really need to keep me sane, because it is nice to talk about it from time to time with people who relate.

Though I haven't spent a lot of time reflecting on my trip yet (aside from this post) because I have been busy moving and getting settled into a new environment and trying to have a little bit of a social life while I can, I think it's an ongoing process. Things come up when you need to deal with them, and you can choose to deal with them or ignore them. Of course my usual routine is to stay extremely busy so I never have to think about the things I really don't want to think about. But I hope to change that approach in the future. That being said, if I were to actually sit down and say ok, I'm going to look back on every single thing I did or saw or felt during my whole trip and analyze what it all meant, I would probably have an emotional breakdown and drive myself crazy. It would be madness. I'm so glad that I have blogged a lot of things (aside from the past month) because that was really my main way to deal with a lot of it and get it all out. But some things take more work than that. When you move so quickly from one thing to the next like I was doing in Uganda and then again in Europe with so many activities planned, you often don't even realize that something really significant happened until it slaps you in the face one day when you're least expecting it. I became so familiar with certain things and so accustomed to disasters happening all the time in the village in Uganda that most of the time nothing shocked me. I'm still trying to figure out how it was normal for a 4 year old girl to die of malaria. That was definitely the worst thing I have ever had to be part of first hand and I was as strong as I possibly could be through that because you have to be. You can't show up at the home of the family and bawl your eyes out when nobody else is and you've only known the child for 6 weeks. But that was really fucking hard. Getting sick near the end was really hard. I've never felt so physically weak before for an extended period of time. These things test your physical, mental and emotional boundaries and stamina. But I'm glad I was put through those tests as difficult and uncomfortable and unfamiliar as they all were because that's how I grow as a person.

I know I have talked so much about growth and learning and gaining experience that it's probably like 'blah blah blah' reading it, but it's just what it's all about for me. Figuring things out and finding answers and finding myself and finding happiness and finding more love and compassion within myself - these are all things that keep me going every day. Everyone has their own philosophies about what they are supposed to do in their time on earth and how life should be lived and we all come from different perspectives. At the end of the day I suppose some things are just out of our control - in which case what is supposed to happen will happen. But as far as the things I do have some say over, I want to take advantage of the opportunities that come my way to be kind and loving, to have an open mind, to be accepting and non-judgmental, to follow my heart, to continue to improve my inner self and my connection to that self. And though I'm sitting here on a Saturday night watching Netflix while sitting with a coconut oil treatment in my hair - not exactly living out my life's purpose at this moment - this is self care for me. Also, I have been avoiding blogging/journaling for a while because it can be draining so the fact that I've finally done it is an accomplishment in my books, and is a big part of that connecting to myself piece. Anyhow, I have blabbed on for quite a while now so I think I'll end it here. Perhaps with a quote:

"Incredible change happens in your life when you decide to take control of what you do have power over instead of craving control over what you don't." - Steve Maraboli

Some final reflections

At the end of my trip I find myself asking many questions. Did I live out my experience in Uganda to the fullest? Did I do enough? Did I hurt anyone? Did I help make anyone's life a little better? Did I take enough pictures? (The answer to this one is always no - I never take enough but I will always have my memories.) Am I going to miss Uganda like crazy like I did the first time? Am I going to cry when I say goodbyes? When will I come back? Am I going to feel content with my life when I go back home?

Most of these questions don't really have answers and I'm sure some of them aren't even worth asking. And I suppose trying to predict the future is a waste of time but I still can't help but wonder. I feel like Uganda is always going to be part of my life and I'm not yet sure if it will be a small part or a big part or what any of it is supposed to mean. All I know for now is that it is all about the experiences and again I feel I have gained so much real life experience and have seen and done things that many people won't get the chance to experience. And for me and my life I wouldn't have it any other way. I'm only 24 but in some ways I feel much older and wiser and I am very thankful for that. Travel and living in a completely different culture adds an entirely new dimension of understanding, knowledge, and perspective to one's life. Of course there is still a huge list of other things I have yet to experience and don't know much about, but I hope one day I will if I keep challenging myself. Maybe I take life a little too seriously sometimes but when you have witnessed such serious, REAL life problems and situations, it's hard not to be. It's hard to remember to take it easy and laugh at a stupid joke when your mind is filled with images and memories of true suffering and when you have experienced and witnessed moments of joy over very simple things that most people take for granted. It becomes hard to relate to people. But maybe that's ok. Maybe I'll find other people I can relate to on a deeper level. Maybe that's what I need to have happen. I can't live a superficial surface level life where I keep my head down and forget about everything important. I refuse to participate in our distracted money-minded society. Of course I say this now and I know it's pretty easy to get caught up and lost somewhere in the mix but I truly do want to try to go against the grain a bit and avoid conforming to what the majority of our society works so hard to be.

What I want from my life is to learn and to grow as a person, always becoming something better than I was before and sometimes that learning comes out of suffering or being uncomfortable or making sacrifices but I see it as a worthy cause at the end of it all. I also want to love and care for others, to respect other people and to be respected. To be inspired while inspiring others. If we all felt it in our hearts to do kind things for others without expecting anything in return, can you imagine how much better a place the world would be?

And when I talk about being a 'better person' and doing good things for others, I'm talking in terms of my own standards. Based on the goals I set for myself and what I feel a fulfilling and meaningful life looks like. Everyone should have their own version of these standards. I find that so often people are quick to use other people and their actions as a measuring tool for what's good enough or not good enough. I don't really see it that way. It's like how your mom used to say to you, 'if all the other kids in school jumped off a bridge would you do it too?' when you were arguing about how all your friends were doing something you weren't allowed to do. If I was the only person in Canada to go volunteer my time in Uganda I wouldn't feel any different about it than I do now. It doesn't make me feel special that I'm doing things that not everybody does. I feel like everybody could be doing what I'm doing - honestly I would even dare to say that everybody should be doing it - because it's just the right thing to do on so many levels. Whether you're helping in some other country or in your own community, I would love to see it become a normal and regular thing, not something we should necessarily praise people for. My personal standards are based on my set of values and what I believe deep down in my heart is the right thing to do, and how I carry myself is part of my best efforts to follow my heart. Of course logic and the practical knowledge I've picked up in my short lifetime is thrown in there as well. And my experiences in Africa are always adding to my understanding of the world and what my purpose in it might be.

I am beyond happy and proud of myself for making this trip happen for the second time, because it has done exactly what I hoped it would. It has reminded me of what is REALLY important in life, and it has solidified a lot of the things I had previously discovered during my last trip. It has re-ignited my passion for working with a more vulnerable population and has inspired me to want to do more international work in the future. It has also given me some closure that I don't think I achieved last time when I felt devastated about leaving and was so not ready to move on. I have felt like something was missing for the past couple of years and I feel a lot more at peace now. And I now know for sure that Uganda will always be here and if I have the means I can continue to come back to visit and volunteer my time.

I anticipate a part 2 of this post as I still have a couple more days to reflect.. I hope I am not being repetitive. But now that I am alone in Entebbe it is the perfect time for me to unwind and get all of my thoughts out before I move on to the next chapter.

P.S. I can now answer the question about whether or not I was going to cry like a baby when I said my goodbyes.. totally did. I kept it together as well as I possibly could but there were definitely some tears that got the best of me. It all hit me at once when I looked around at all the kids and started putting my things in the car and I realized just how much I was going to miss them. I'm human, what can I say.

4 days left...

I haven't written in a few days because not a lot has been happening. With Daniella passing away and with me feeling super sick for 10 days with some sort of parasite, I have spent most of my time (whenever I have been able to) this past week in bed or in the washroom unfortunately.

I am now getting to that awkward point of my trip where I know I am leaving in a few short days and it sucks and I start to lose motivation to do anything because it starts setting in that I'll be gone this time next week and I start to feel like 'what's the point?' I know that's not the best attitude to have but honestly it's really hard getting so involved and getting my heart invested here for a short period of time. 2 months might seem long enough, but it isn't when you feel at home. It somehow ends up feeling like a dangerous and irrational thing to do. To come to Uganda and fall in love with it all over again and to get even more attached and then to go back to my normal-every-day-life where everything is completely different and I have to readjust all over again. I remember feeling this way my last trip. The closer it got to the end of my trip the more I started hiding in my room and feeling like laying in bed all day and the less motivated I became to get up and go with the same enthusiasm I had my first day. I am starting to relive those feelings all over again.

Of course I am still going to make the most of the remaining time I have here and try not to be upset, but the end of the trip is always the worst. I just suck at goodbyes and at leaving people. I almost cried today in the library thinking about the fact that I won't be able to see these kids continue to grow and thrive. We have been working with them in the library for weeks as they haven't been attending school and I have seen them blossom and now they finally have the chance to attend school next term and I really wish I was going to be around to see that happen. But I will remember them all and promise myself to get updates from Carli and whenever I come back I will find them and hopefully they will remember me also.

It's always at this time that I start feeling super homesick and wishing I could just go home. If I have to leave, I want to be at home where I am comfortable. But this time I am taking a detour and though I am excited for the experiences I will have in Europe, part of me thinks that August 17th (the day I fly home) seems soooo far away still. I know once I arrive in Copenhagen my spirits will be lifted and I'll be able to enjoy my time in Sweden and all will be wonderful. But at this point in time everything sucks, haha. That's an exaggeration, but I hope you can understand what I am getting at.

Today was my last day at the nursery school for Friday clinics. I didn't remove any jiggers..however only 1 kid had them today which is AMAZING! Our little trooper Hakram is currently jigger free for the first time which was so beautiful to see. And all the kids I have been treating for ringworm have improved greatly. I got the school to get all the kids together to take a group photo and they turned out great:

Bye Mzungu!

Goodbye Daniella

It's frustrating to think that the first goodbye I have to say is one that was not even able to be said, and one that came completely by surprise. As I was just talking in my last post about saying my goodbyes and leaving Uganda, I had no idea that I would have to mourn the loss of a child. Her name was Daniella and she was 4 years old when she died in the hospital early this morning.

I haven't had much exposure to death in my lifetime (lucky for me) but the death of a child is something completely unfamiliar and I don't know how to handle it other than to just cry. I also made a video which was extremely emotional but I felt it would be a nice collection of the memories I have of her and a nice way to pay tribute to her short life. When I heard the news I was truly shocked. I know many children in the village that Carli supports have died in the past, but I had yet to really understand or experience that until today. I just saw Daniella on Monday. The last time I saw her I was reading her a story called 'The Little Elephant'. We knew she was feeling sick and had malaria (so common here) on Wednesday when she didn't show up for reading group. We found out yesterday that she had been admitted to Mulago Hospital (one of the major government hospitals in Kampala) and I remember thinking 'good, the hospital is the best place for her to get the treatment she needs. That means she will recover.' In the early hours of the morning the malaria took her life. I can't even believe it. She was so special. She is one of the children who lives in the family with my sponsor child Margret. We visited their home not long ago and I even posted this photo in my last blog post of the three of us (Margret, myself, and Daniella).

All of the children we meet and support are special in some way, but some seem to touch your heart more than others, and Daniella was definitely one of those cases. She was recently hit by a boda boda (motorcycle) and nearly died but miraculously was recovering and we were getting so excited for her to return to school in September. Now her precious life has been taken much too soon and we are only left with the reminder that this is part of reality in this village. It is not uncommon. This is the piece I struggle with as I try to sort out my feelings about this tragic event. When someone dies here, their body is buried as soon as possible (usually same day or the next day) and people pay their respects and attend the burial and some might cry but not usually. People eat food and when the day is over everyone carries on with their lives. There isn't a huge mourning period. Where I come from, death is such a big deal - especially the death of a child which is thankfully much more rare - and people take various amounts of time to mourn and it's pretty socially acceptable to be upset for some time. We don't really have time for that here... tomorrow is the monthly sponsorship meeting where all of the families that are sponsored come to check in, and we have many new children coming tomorrow who still need sponsors. These families need us and it is back to business tomorrow. Though my relationship with Daniella was brief, it had an impact on me and so does her death. All I can do is hope she is in a better place now and cry myself to sleep in the privacy of my bedroom because that is all I know and that is what feels normal to me. I just pray that tomorrow is a better day. 

Here is the video I made in loving memory of Daniella who will forever have a special place in my heart. 

 

goodbyes suck. period.

So the countdown has now been started.. I have about 12 days left at Carli & Robert's. Then I'm in Entebbe for a few days until I fly out early on the 2nd of August. And a month today until I'll be back home. The little kids at home are counting down the days - but only because they have figured out that the day I leave is the same day the new visitor comes who will be bringing them toys. Haha, so maybe they aren't sad to see me go but that's ok, I can't take offence to that.

As with all good things, this trip must come to an end and I know that. But I have been dreading saying my goodbyes since the day I arrived. And though I haven't had to say any goodbyes yet, I know what's coming. The hardest thing about coming to Uganda is having to leave Uganda. It's such a struggle. I think because it feels like home here even though it's nothing like the home I'm used to. I have a hard time walking away when I know what I am leaving behind and when I know how much more work I could do here. I definitely still struggle with that. I get this overwhelming feeling that I won't be nearly as satisfied with anything I am doing back home in comparison to what there is to do here. But that should be a lesson that I need to keep pushing myself forward and doing better and caring more and striving for greatness so that I will feel satisfied. There are certainly things I can be involved with in Vancouver, it's just that a lot more people are already doing them whereas here in the village we are pretty much the ONLY people doing good things for the community. So you end up feeling a lot more motivated to do such things and a lot more appreciated and useful when you do. I'm not saying that because other people already doing good things that we should all sit around and let them continue, but I am just saying that the motivation is much stronger when you know that a lot of people are relying on you. And it is that feeling of purpose that gets me through my days. The positive side of all of this is I can honestly say that so far any expectations I might have brought with me on this trip have been met or exceeded and I feel as though I have accomplished what I hoped to accomplish, if not more. So with that said I know I can comfortably leave without feeling like I have any unfinished business. This feeling was definitely lacking at the end of my last trip here, so this is a good thing for sure.

This week I have actually been quite sick - some type of bacterial infection I think - so it's been a bit of a write-off for me as I've been trying to rest and get better. So that sucks..now I am down to one "work week" left. I've starting thinking about the people I won't see anymore and the special ones who I have to figure out how to say goodbye to and it just breaks my heart. I'm gonna miss the village children...so many of them we have seen a few times a week and they are so sweet. My memories of them will always be in my heart. The way I feel about saying goodbye to people is the same way a child throws a temper tantrum. "But I don't wanna!!!" (along with flailing arms and stomping feet). It's dangerous making connections with people - at least close ones - when you know that at the end of it all you've gotta pack up and go back home to your life. And this time I somewhat reluctantly allowed myself to open up and get close to someone here and now I am kicking myself for it because it doesn't feel fair to either person when the end is inevitable. Especially for the other person who has to stay behind and watch me go while I get to move on to other adventures. But I suppose that view is debatable - I could close myself off and not let anyone in just to avoid feeling hurt if I wanted to. And would that be better? To sacrifice the joy of human connection in order to avoid the potential pain? I suppose I wouldn't be doing myself much justice if I went through life that way - as there is always a potential (if not a guarantee) for pain and an ending in everything we experience.

To cope with the goodbyes I tell myself that I'll be back again so it's not really goodbye, more like 'see you later'. My hope is that it'll be a bit easier this time because I still have a few more destinations on my list: Denmark, Sweden and Amsterdam. Since I have those things to look forward to, it makes leaving seem not so bad. And I'm sure once I arrive in Denmark and am met by my friend, my sadness about leaving Uganda will start to fade away. But I'll never forget about the relationships I leave here and the experiences I feel so blessed to have.

picking sides

I find myself feeling very conflicted at times during my stay in Uganda. I am always somewhere between two sides. I have conflicting feelings about going home and staying, about whether I am excited for tomorrow or dreading it, about whether I love Uganda or hate it. Let me explain myself and elaborate on these points.

I am realizing I only have about 21 days left in Uganda, only 18 at Carli & Robert's (as I have to decided to spend a few nights in Entebbe before I fly out for logistical reasons) and I am not sure how I feel about it. On the one hand I find myself missing some of the simple comforts of home like the food and my friends and family and 'normal', peaceful and - for the most part - easy life. And on the other hand I know I am going to be so sad to say goodbye and I know myself well enough to know that after a couple weeks of 'normal' life, I will be longing for the excitement-filled days of Uganda. But what I have learned from the past and from my own reflection is that I need to find ways to get excitement out of life in Vancouver and I think I have set myself up pretty well for that this time around. I feel a lot more prepared to go home this time and I think that is going to be extremely important in the adjustment process. I'm not ready to go home tomorrow, but I know I can't stay forever.


One thing that I am always conflicted about is being around kids. I love them but they drive me absolutely nuts sometimes. I will admit that. Anyone who knows me well knows that I am not a 'kid person'. In knowing this, one would find it confusing why I would want to go to Africa and live in a children's home with 20 children. Well that's just me. I think the exposure is good for me. I enjoy the stress and the challenge of having to build my patience and keep my cool. Not sure if I'm always successful but I try! And every so often, when I find myself on edge, I witness such a beautiful moment that is sweet enough to bring me to tears and I remember the best things about the kids. For example, today when Robert came home and all the little guys ran to the gate to greet him before he even parked and got out of the vehicle, Akiz yelled out after them 'watch out for Zion or daddy will knock him with the car!' The fact that this 5 year old boy had the concern for his baby brother to tell the others to look out for him just totally warmed my heart. These little moments happen every so often, and it is always when the kids aren't even aware that they are doing something good that it is the most special. Like baby Zion asking for food so he can take it to Justine (Carli's newest daughter who is 3 years old and disabled from having cerebral malaria as an infant) and giving it to her because he noticed she was hungry. The care that they have for one another, blood related or not, is so inspiring and is a constant reminder of the importance of being surrounded by a loving, supportive and nurturing environment. Of course it isn't always sunshine and rainbows - but these little moments give me some relief.


Sometimes I wake up feeling prepared for the day, and go to sleep feeling like it was a good day, and other times I go to sleep completely burnt out and wake up wishing I could stay in bed all day. It's always a mix. The work we are doing here is not easy. Even if nothing extremely eventful happens, it is always draining. Just witnessing the extreme poverty day in and day out is enough to tire me. There are at least 7 programs happening each week, with anywhere from 1 to 5 of them happening on any given day. This doesn't include any emergencies that come up (and trust me, they always do) or the regular things that take place daily like picking up and dropping off the young kids from school. Monthly sponsorship meetings, home visits, paperwork, logistical matters, etc. Oh and we also have some income generating initiatives we are trying to maintain happening all the while. It is not a 9-5 job where you put in your hours and go home. It is a massive operation. The connections we make with people and the positive outcomes of our work and the appreciation that many people have is what gets us by I think. Of course we love what we do but at times it is easy to forget that with the stress that comes along with it.


And lastly, of COURSE I love Uganda. But there are definitely some things I hate about it too. Like the corruption - which I have already mentioned in a previous post. The fact that police officers expect and even welcome a bribe so you can get yourself out of getting a ticket that you likely didn't deserve in the first place is a pretty good example of how frustrating the level of corruption is. Another thing that frustrates me is the education system. Too much I could say on this subject. But it is what it is and I won't get into it. Next: the lack of 'resources' or perhaps just the lack of education or the problem of having the money in the wrong hands EVERYWHERE in the country. Human life is so undervalued here. People are seen as dispensable. This means a serious lack in the department of medical care, hence why people still die of malaria which is one of the most easily recognized and treated diseases in Uganda. It costs $2 for the treatment. But it kills lives - especially children - when it goes untreated. The saddest and perhaps most frustrating things about all of this is that a lot of educated people in Uganda (who aren't in positions of power) are aware of these issues yet feel helpless or at a loss of how to turn them around (this is where I refer you back to the section on corruption, lol). I could go on and on about things that I don't like but instead I would rather end with the things I love and will always miss about Uganda:

The extremely kind people I have met. The children. The culture. The dancing. The colours. The scenery. The smells. The simplicity/basic living. The generosity. The faith. The resilience. The learning experiences. Seeing change take place. Being part of something greater. The beauty. The teamwork. The smiles. The language. The excitement. The challenges. The village life. My new friends. And most of all I will miss my Ugandan family and Carli, who is one of the most amazing women I have met and someone who I am proud to know and call a dear friend. The journey is much more enjoyable when you are surrounded by good people who you can share a laugh with among all of the chaos and despair.

So sometimes conflict can be a good thing. Even when I fall on different sides of the scale depending on the day, I always know in my heart that I am so grateful for the experiences I have had in Uganda, good and bad. I am someone who can always see both sides of a situation and I think that's how I stay balanced. It can't always be all good, but it's never all bad. There is always hope for a better tomorrow - if you allow it.

live simply so others may simply live.

Ok, so I have so many things to say on this subject that I'm not even sure where to begin. This phrase 'live simply so others may simply live' is very straightforward but has soooo much meaning. Especially here in Uganda. During the month of July, Carli Travers of Abetavu (where I am volunteering) is trying to raise a large sum of money ($30,000). I am helping with this by filming and photographing our daily activities so that people can see what Carli and Robert do here in Uganda and maybe they will feel compelled to donate.

Let me tell you something, fundraising is one of the most difficult and testing tasks out there. Some may think that asking for money is easy and that maybe you aren't really working for it and that you're just asking for a handout. Well you would be wrong to think that. It is extremely frustrating and even disappointing and discouraging at times when there is a lack of support. Especially when the basis of everything you do for your family and community relies on donations. That is the case here at Abetavu. Of course they try to bring in some income through various activities and are trying to expand this in making and selling things locally, but when you are living in a household with 20 children and pretty much supporting a whole village on top of that, it's a little hard to have a steady 'job' which actually gets you a paycheck. The work that Carli does she does for free. She doesn't get a salary or a paid vacation - or any vacation - and her job is 24/7 365 days a year. I'm not saying that she didn't sign up for this, but she's definitely not asking for money so she can put it into her own pocket, she's asking because it's the only way she can keep doing what she's doing. Making a difference in the world.

In my experience with fundraising, people just get annoyed and want to ignore you because they think 'someone else will donate money' or 'I work hard for my money, why should I give it to someone else doing something on the other side of the world' and others just don't care. Nobody is denying that we don't all work hard for our money, but let me give you something to think about. What is the point in working 'so hard' for your money when you can't use it for something good? Why do we all hang on to money so tightly and feel so unwilling to use it for something positive for humanity yet we can easily go and buy ourselves a new cell phone or outfit or fancy latte or tickets to a concert, etc.? I'm also not saying I'm perfect either - I've got my own issues with shopping and buying new clothes that I have seriously struggled to change for some time. Even my daily coffee or meals out would add up so quickly due to my hectic lifestyle going back and forth between two full-time jobs and hardly having time to prepare a proper meal. If I saved all the money I had spent on coffees and fast food, I probably could have saved $50 a week or more easily.

What I am challenging you to do is to really take a moment to think about how much you value those extras that you spend your money on. Would you be able to go a day, a week, or even a month without them to do something bigger and greater with that hard-earned money? I'm not saying that we should all give up all of our luxuries and donate all of our money to charity - that's not realistic. But to live simply so others may simply live - and I mean this from the bottom of my heart - lives can be saved with just a few dollars. I know I'm probably sounding like one of those world vision commercials right about now but it's the truth. There is hardly a doctor in our village...children are dying of malaria when the treatment only costs like $5. And no, that's not your (you, the reader) fault. But would it not feel good to know that you have contributed to saving one of those lives? Or to providing a better quality of life to many others? If you've ever felt the slightest bit touched or inspired by any of my blog posts or Facebook posts (for those of you who follow me on Facebook) then I ask you to consider donating something to Abetavu Community Development Organization at www.abetavu.com.

With all of the footage we've collected I created this short video to hopefully touch the hearts of some of you out there and to at least spread the word about what is happening here and to hopefully gain Carli and Robert some more support. But also to give you a glimpse into the work we do. Please at least watch the video and share it with your friends via Facebook, etc., if for no other reason than to admire the work I put into creating it. I've never made one of these movies before and I'm actually super proud of it and I hope those of you who watch can enjoy and appreciate it :) So I will leave you with this link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n6kh_AnwyoQ or you can watch the video below

The Journey to Masaka

So last week I journeyed to Masaka, Uganda to visit some Douglas College friends who are staying there doing practicums. Really I just thought a few days away would be good for me; I could hang out with the girls, relax, lounge by the pool (yes..they have a pool at their accommodation =O), and potentially visit some practicum sites. I was looking forward to a short rest.

The journey is always an interesting one when you take public transit. Which was the only way I would have done it. Masaka is about 3 hours away from Carli and Robert's and to hire a driver costs about $80 US each way..which is expensive for one person. Public transit cost me about $7-$8 each way. This includes 2 taxi rides and 2 boda rides each way. The taxis are these 15 passenger vans (shown in the pic below) which I like to refer to as rattling death traps. They are just these metal boxes with rows of seats that they sometimes shove up to 20 passengers into and they travel at such high speeds that you feel like the vehicle will either collapse into pieces or spontaneously combust into flames. The taxi park is crazy..it's essentially a football field of taxis and every conductor you pass is grabbing you asking you where you are going and trying to get you on their vehicle. It's super overwhelming..especially when you are literally the only white person among hundreds of people - you become quite the spectacle. However, with all of this said, this is one of the most common forms of transportation in Uganda (aside from bodas) and I haven't had any problems with them so far. It isn't the most comfortable option but its super affordable and it works.

This is an image I found on google of the Kampala taxi park so you can try to visualize the insanity of it.. Also it isn't possible to have your camera out to take any pictures unless you want it stolen lol.

My days in Masaka were great. I got my relaxation/fun time in, I got to go into town and I got to see Masaka Referral Hospital and Kitovu Hospital. I hadn't spent much time in Masaka prior to this trip so it was nice. The referral hospital is their main government hospital and Kitovu is one of the private hospitals. Both hospitals are pretty basic but since Kitovu is a private hospital it seemed to have a bit more of the extras but still extremely basic compared to anything you would see in the Western world. The reason I visited Kitovu is because I really wanted to donate blood because I know I won't be able to donate in Canada for at least a year after traveling in a developing country. Also I find Canada is so ridiculously particular about the blood they take that the process is a hassle (and of course, rightfully so - it is a serious thing). But in Uganda the major concern is just that you are a healthy person free of diseases and that you have enough blood to give. So I went with one of the girls on her practicum day and gave blood. The blood bank was very very basic. Just one guy working there, one chair to sit in, and the office seemed to be shared with the photocopying area where a couple of men were watching some Ugandan station on a small tube TV. Some of the girls had told me that I was brave to be giving blood there but to be honest, the whole process was completely sanitary and the tech knew what he was doing and that's all I really care about. For me, giving blood is something that was always a fear of mine and I could hardly even get through a blood test without feeling like I was going to faint. So I keep pushing myself to conquer that fear, and what better way than by giving blood in Uganda?

The whole weekend really got me reflecting about life and taking risks and chances and trying things differently. I don't want to live a life that is always comfortable. Some people thrive on comfort and security but that is just not me. I have come to realize that the more I push myself to take risks and face my fears and to say 'I can' instead of 'I can't', the more interesting and exciting and worthwhile life gets. This seems like common sense but it really isn't. I am not judging people who don't live with this philosophy, but I am starting to learn that if that's the way I feel I want to live I should go for it and not worry that others don't agree with me. While also not expecting everyone to feel the way I do or to understand the choices I make. It's important to live life on my own terms (to an extent of course) because it's MY life and if I keep waiting to be validated by other people I will never be content. 

So after the trip I got back to my home in Uganda and I was super happy to be back in the village. I actually find it comforting here. I'm starting to learn the names of a lot of the kids and to recognize faces and places and it has that small town vibe where everybody knows everybody and I like that. I got back and hit the ground running again, with one of our library programs starting about an hour after I got home, haha. So as usual there was little time for rest and you are just thrown back into the work. But I wouldn't have it any other way. It seems that at the end of each week I am retiring to bed at around 9pm and Carli and I say to each other, 'it's been a long week', but honestly, EVERY week has been a long week. As I am now a little over halfway through my time in Uganda I am realizing I need to take advantage of every opportunity I can before it's over. 

Fridays at a glance

When it rains in Uganda it rains HARD. And without warning. The day will start out so sunny that you assume it's gonna be a hot one, and then a couple hours later its thunder and lightening and rain. But to be honest I don't mind the rain (when I'm inside of course). I find comfort in it because it reminds me of home and the cooler temperature allows me to put a sweater on and feel cozy, and sometimes that's just nice to do. Even the loud pattering of the raindrops is a sound I find very soothing.

Luckily for us, today's rain didn't find us during the things we had to do this morning. On Friday we first go to Kalanamu Primary School to do our reading group with the P7 class. We are reading 'Underground to Canada' (really good story!) and the kids seem to be getting into it. After that we run a small clinic at our nursery school, treating malaria, flu, ringworm and removing jiggers. One kid today even had a tick attached to his eye - poor guy! I have yet to find the courage to remove jiggers as you have to use razors and needles to do so and it's quite uncomfortable for the child. Some of these kids sit like champs though. They are like 5 years old and not even flinching while we prod their little feet with needles. A jigger is a type of sand flea which burrows into the skin and can lay eggs and spread infection. I mainly just treat ringworm which is just by applying a cream. After 3 weeks I have seen a pretty impressive improvement in most of the kids so that's exciting.

Today we brought along our little assistant (Carli's youngest birth son, Zion) and I was showing him my camera on my iphone. He was fascinated by the view of himself on the screen and kept pointing at it and saying 'baby! auntie!' We took this cute pic:

Look at that face!

And here is one of Steven, a 6 year old boy who came to us at Carli's monthly sponsorship meeting who we were able to send to school for the first time. He is slightly disabled from having cerebral malaria at 3 years old but he sits well in class and his mother proudly walks him to and from school every day. 

Now we have some chai and wait for the rain to (hopefully) stop then off to pick the little ones up from school. Later on the library is open and we have invited some kids from the village who aren't attending to school to come for a couple of hours 3 times a week so we can read with them and give them some stimulation that they are missing out on by not going to school. As we can't sponsor every child, at least this gets them into a learning environment and some type of study time until they can eventually find the means to go to school. Today will be the first day so I'm curious to see how many kids turn up and what we can accomplish.

Corruption.

I've been asked many times if I could see myself one day moving to Uganda to live permanently. My answer is always 'probably not' and only for a few reasons, one which slapped me in the face last night. I should first admit that I would only ever choose to stay in Uganda permanently if I happened to meet someone special and we decided to build a life together here (which to be honest, at this point in my life seems too ridiculous to even type because I am far from ready for that). I know it wouldn't be hard to meet someone if I wanted to so badly, there are many men who would be ready to be my husband (not flattering myself, just being honest). But I just feel I have so much more I want to do and see before I settle anywhere. I'll never rule out the idea of living in Uganda completely because who knows what might happen in the future, but at this point I only see myself as a frequent visitor.

But anyways, back to the purpose of this post. The other major reason I couldn't live here is the government. The basic running of this country and the way things are and will likely remain for some time. The reason why soooo many children aren't going to school and why it is impossible to find a doctor in the local hospital, why families are hungry and children are dying in our village of malaria. These things are due to the so-called 'lack of resources' which is absolute BULLSHIT. It's the same thing how people say that they can't afford things yet they have $5 drinks at Starbucks every morning. It's not that they can't afford it or that there is a lack of resources, it's that their priorities are out of whack. I'm not judging the choices people make, I'm just saying that you can't make the claim that there's no money unless it's actually true. This point was proven 100% last night during a conversation with some 'government officials' of our area (that's what I will call them for the purpose of this post, however I would prefer to use some much less professional terms to describe them).

First of all, this government official is wearing a fancy suit and travelling with his expensive phone AND a tablet - it is very uncommon to see these things in the village. It's like he's trying to show off that he has money. We started talking about things that we hoped to see change in our area (we started by simply asking if it would be possible for the road to be fixed - it's nearly impossible to drive through some spots). This conversation developed into a very heated discussion about the things that are wrong with the government and the sub-county and everyone sharing their opinions on the subject. The government officials talked about the corruption that exists in the higher-up positions. Let me tell you, this man himself was the definition of corruption and everything that's wrong with this country (not to criticize the people of Uganda, just the way it is run). You know there's corruption when a government official flat-out admits that he drinks and drives - IN FRONT OF A TRAFFIC OFFICER I might add - and says 'but there's nothing anyone can do about it because I'm government!' I kept questioning why someone of government should be above the law and the only answer he could give me was 'because I'm government!' ...interesting... The traffic officer (who has become a friend of ours and was off-duty at the time) was arguing that she would pull him over anyways and his response was that she would lose her job if she tried. I was thoroughly annoyed and disgusted by the conversation already, but it continued. We tried to ask how it is fair that these people in government are so well-off while people in the village are dying. The government officials laughed in disbelief at the idea that people were dying in the bush. This is a very true fact.. Carli has attended several burials for CHILDREN in the past few months. They didn't seem to pay much attention to this and just said that there is no reason people should be dying as we have a hospital here.. yeah well just the other day Carli had to drive around the hospital compound for 10 minutes until she even found a nurse. No doctor was even on duty. It's so sad.

This is just a small example which perfectly illustrates the struggle I have between my love and compassion for Uganda and it's people, and the frustration I feel towards the lack of ability to make change and progress when the country holds itself back in so many ways. Also I must acknowledge that I understand corruption exists everywhere, but it's just a lot more evident here.

Anyways, I should wrap this up since I could write on and on about this subject and I'm sure it will come up again in the future. Just had to vent a little as life here can get so frustrating. Good days and bad days. It's all about the experience!

another roller coaster ride

I was reading some of my older posts that were written while I was in Uganda the first time (in 2012) and found that a lot of the things I was experiencing are happening yet again. It's not surprising I suppose but definitely interesting to reflect on.

A friend had written this quote in a comment on one of my posts:

"TRANSFORMATION - The process of exploring our inner landscape to find, awaken and integrate the aspects of ourselves that have been disconnected and separated from the whole."

I feel like this process happens many times throughout a person's life (if they choose to explore themselves in such a way for transformation to take place - I suppose some many never experience this on a large scale) and for me, this is another one of those times. Uganda will never fail to change me. Perhaps some of the surface level things that changed about me last time reverted back to how they were before, but for the most part I was seriously altered as a person. I can feel parts of myself being 'awakened' this time too.

I'm starting to think about other places I might want to travel and other types of work I might want to do. I'm currently reading a book (from Carli's library I might add) called 'The Hospital by the River' which is written by a doctor accounting her experience with her husband working in Ethiopia on fistula patients (google this now if you're not familiar - but be prepared). This book is making me seriously wish I had the stomach to handle the medical field because I know it would be sooo useful anywhere in the world and I could just spend my life travelling and working. But since that definitely is not a possibility for me as I can hardly stand getting my blood taken, I'm trying to explore other options. Social work is great and is always needed, but it doesn't always translate. Especially when there are language barriers - you end up relying on others to help you do most of the work.

The past few days I was feeling a bit helpless and idle, which is mostly just because I was trying to recover from having a flu so I did spend a lot of time resting. But I was also feeling like maybe I wasn't being useful enough or that maybe I wouldn't be able to accomplish what I thought I could. But today I didn't feel that way when I went to the local primary school to help teach a reading lesson to one of the classes. I started to feel inspired and motivated again. I'm planning to start another lesson with another class and may possibly do it on my own this time since I feel a bit more confident having done it a few times now. I started thinking that maybe it might be a smart idea for me to get certified in teaching English internationally and perhaps I could find work that way while fulfilling my travel needs.

I definitely want to continue on with my degree in Social Work, but I'm becoming more curious about other paths too. So many opportunities, so little time. And money. And I have to remember that if I don't focus in on something I will end up letting my energy go to a bunch of different things without many accomplishments to show for it. I need to rein it in somewhere or i'll drive myself mad. Anyways, I'll see what happens with the rest of this trip. Don't want to get too far ahead of myself. But at least in a couple years I can look back on this post and remember what this inspiration and transformation felt like, like I have done with my posts from two years ago. :)

i'm back

So I guess I should write a post here seeing as how I've been back in Uganda for 2 weeks! Time is flying yet at the same time it feels like I've been here for so long - almost like I never left.

I've had some technical issues with my computer which have prevented me from being as dedicated to this blog as I want to be but I have a moment to write now so I shall say a few words.

I don't even know what to say.. I could write several paragraphs already about what I've done in just two short weeks. But to be honest I don't really feel like doing that right now. I just feel like saying that I am so happy to be in Uganda. This trip has already exceeded any expectations I could have had. I feel like I'm at home. Things are different but it's the same loving family and the same comforting feeling of having a purpose and belonging to something.

I just feel content. Totally content. I'm never as collected and laid back at home as I am in Uganda. I never find myself overly stressed out about the little things when I'm here. It's just easy. Yet there are sooo many challenges and barriers and frustrations. But they don't disappoint me, they are motivating. There are so many possibilities here for different projects, it's amazing. I'm already thinking ahead to the next possible opportunity I might get to come back here. Uganda is definitely going to be part of my life for a long time - that I know for sure.

another side note...

I've been feeling extremely emotional lately. You know those tears that are just constantly welling up at all the wrong times and all it takes is 2 minutes of a sappy moment on TV to throw you over the edge? I know why I'm emotional. For one, I'm about to have a super intense experience, but I'm also dealing with some inner demons and emotional heartache that I have kind of left at the wayside while keeping myself extremely busy (as per usual) and therefore not dealing with these emotional issues. I can feel them catching up to me and now is probably not the best time because I have a huge journey ahead of me. But maybe I can use the 20 hours of travel time alone to work through some of it.

However...If my mom can't hold it together tomorrow and starts crying, I'll probably lose it. Game over. Just sayin.

Tomorrow is the big day!

So I leave for Uganda tomorrow.. it's hard to believe. I've spent so much time telling people I'm going to Africa and talking about what I'm doing but not a lot of time actually thinking about going and letting it sink in. I suppose these things never really sink in until they are actually happening. But still, it's easy to forget about why I'm actually doing this and for me it's really important that I stay connected to that and that I keep reflecting on my experience otherwise I'm not getting much out of it. It's so hard to separate from everything else and just live and feel content with my decisions when there is so much doubt and questioning around me. I feel super calm and not all that worried about the next couple of months and for me that's normal. Sometimes it feels a bit lonely to be in touch with myself because it makes me feel pretty disconnected from the majority of the people in my life. I don't know if that makes sense but it does in my head. I'm looking forward to going somewhere where I actually feel less lonely and more normal. I know I am doing the right thing. I booked this trip because I needed to. I didn't spend a ton of time hesitating and decided to just go for it and hope for the best and let everything else (hopefully) fall in to place. So far things have worked out and I think that's because I'm doing what I'm meant to be doing. And also because I've worked hard and sacrificed a lot to make it happen of course. But that's what living out our dreams is about! Ever since I got back from my trip I have been dreaming (literally) about returning to Uganda. And now it's happening and it feels completely surreal.

I'm walking into this experience with very little expectations or ideas about what is going to happen. I have hopes for what I might like to get out of this trip, but that's basically just that I will learn and grow as a person from it and I'm pretty sure that's a guarantee in this case. I'd like to be inspired and I want my passion to be ignited again. It'll be great just being a part of something good. I feel like I've been missing out on that aspect for a while and it's something that is so important to me in my life. It seems so simple to just be part of something good. But how many of us can truthfully say we are? Something that benefits humanity and aims to make the world a better place. Not to be totally cheesy here or to presume that I am changing the world or anything, but I do feel that by helping a little bit where I can and by growing into a better person each day, I am doing my life and society a justice. Maybe a small one but still, it's something.

deflated.

So it's been a while since I've posted in this blog and I have really been meaning to lately because I am finally returning to Uganda on May 26th which is coming up quickly!! But I will write about that in a later post. Today's post is about something else.

I've been feeling a lot of anger and bitterness towards a lot of things lately and I feel like I need to somehow release it. Writing about it is definitely a start but I will definitely need to set aside some time to do something a bit more therapeutic. I'm currently at work on my break while I write this.

What am I angry about? To be honest I'm not quite sure. I think part of it is simply the fact that I work in a customer service position that takes a toll on my level of patience and compassion for others. It makes me hate being around people most of the time. Which is sad because I'm good at my job and I have some amazing customers but it's sooo testing at times. I have been witnessing a lot of negativity lately (and yes, I suppose you could say that my anger and frustration is negative as well) but i can't handle it. On the Internet,  in my work environment, and now my home life because I'm living with my family at home again. Being around so much negativity and trying to combat it is so completely deflating. I try to put positivity into the world and to bring about a different outlook and i just get exhausted by the lack of results. It's like I'm being beaten up by my inability to make change.

How this all relates to Africa is that it seems like the closer I get to my trip the more frustrating and stressful everything feels and the more annoyed by things I get. But on the other hand I can hardly wait to be back in that environment where I felt the exact opposite of everything I've just described. I'm so excited for a fresh culture and new faces and a different way of life that I once enjoyed so much. I need to get away from here so badly. I need a recharge. A boost of energy and an igniting of my passion. I definitely need to reconnect with myself and I'm hoping that will happen in Uganda.

I don't know if any of this post made sense but my break is about over and I just needed to get some thoughts out. Bye for now!