goodbyes suck. period.

So the countdown has now been started.. I have about 12 days left at Carli & Robert's. Then I'm in Entebbe for a few days until I fly out early on the 2nd of August. And a month today until I'll be back home. The little kids at home are counting down the days - but only because they have figured out that the day I leave is the same day the new visitor comes who will be bringing them toys. Haha, so maybe they aren't sad to see me go but that's ok, I can't take offence to that.

As with all good things, this trip must come to an end and I know that. But I have been dreading saying my goodbyes since the day I arrived. And though I haven't had to say any goodbyes yet, I know what's coming. The hardest thing about coming to Uganda is having to leave Uganda. It's such a struggle. I think because it feels like home here even though it's nothing like the home I'm used to. I have a hard time walking away when I know what I am leaving behind and when I know how much more work I could do here. I definitely still struggle with that. I get this overwhelming feeling that I won't be nearly as satisfied with anything I am doing back home in comparison to what there is to do here. But that should be a lesson that I need to keep pushing myself forward and doing better and caring more and striving for greatness so that I will feel satisfied. There are certainly things I can be involved with in Vancouver, it's just that a lot more people are already doing them whereas here in the village we are pretty much the ONLY people doing good things for the community. So you end up feeling a lot more motivated to do such things and a lot more appreciated and useful when you do. I'm not saying that because other people already doing good things that we should all sit around and let them continue, but I am just saying that the motivation is much stronger when you know that a lot of people are relying on you. And it is that feeling of purpose that gets me through my days. The positive side of all of this is I can honestly say that so far any expectations I might have brought with me on this trip have been met or exceeded and I feel as though I have accomplished what I hoped to accomplish, if not more. So with that said I know I can comfortably leave without feeling like I have any unfinished business. This feeling was definitely lacking at the end of my last trip here, so this is a good thing for sure.

This week I have actually been quite sick - some type of bacterial infection I think - so it's been a bit of a write-off for me as I've been trying to rest and get better. So that sucks..now I am down to one "work week" left. I've starting thinking about the people I won't see anymore and the special ones who I have to figure out how to say goodbye to and it just breaks my heart. I'm gonna miss the village children...so many of them we have seen a few times a week and they are so sweet. My memories of them will always be in my heart. The way I feel about saying goodbye to people is the same way a child throws a temper tantrum. "But I don't wanna!!!" (along with flailing arms and stomping feet). It's dangerous making connections with people - at least close ones - when you know that at the end of it all you've gotta pack up and go back home to your life. And this time I somewhat reluctantly allowed myself to open up and get close to someone here and now I am kicking myself for it because it doesn't feel fair to either person when the end is inevitable. Especially for the other person who has to stay behind and watch me go while I get to move on to other adventures. But I suppose that view is debatable - I could close myself off and not let anyone in just to avoid feeling hurt if I wanted to. And would that be better? To sacrifice the joy of human connection in order to avoid the potential pain? I suppose I wouldn't be doing myself much justice if I went through life that way - as there is always a potential (if not a guarantee) for pain and an ending in everything we experience.

To cope with the goodbyes I tell myself that I'll be back again so it's not really goodbye, more like 'see you later'. My hope is that it'll be a bit easier this time because I still have a few more destinations on my list: Denmark, Sweden and Amsterdam. Since I have those things to look forward to, it makes leaving seem not so bad. And I'm sure once I arrive in Denmark and am met by my friend, my sadness about leaving Uganda will start to fade away. But I'll never forget about the relationships I leave here and the experiences I feel so blessed to have.