picking sides

I find myself feeling very conflicted at times during my stay in Uganda. I am always somewhere between two sides. I have conflicting feelings about going home and staying, about whether I am excited for tomorrow or dreading it, about whether I love Uganda or hate it. Let me explain myself and elaborate on these points.

I am realizing I only have about 21 days left in Uganda, only 18 at Carli & Robert's (as I have to decided to spend a few nights in Entebbe before I fly out for logistical reasons) and I am not sure how I feel about it. On the one hand I find myself missing some of the simple comforts of home like the food and my friends and family and 'normal', peaceful and - for the most part - easy life. And on the other hand I know I am going to be so sad to say goodbye and I know myself well enough to know that after a couple weeks of 'normal' life, I will be longing for the excitement-filled days of Uganda. But what I have learned from the past and from my own reflection is that I need to find ways to get excitement out of life in Vancouver and I think I have set myself up pretty well for that this time around. I feel a lot more prepared to go home this time and I think that is going to be extremely important in the adjustment process. I'm not ready to go home tomorrow, but I know I can't stay forever.


One thing that I am always conflicted about is being around kids. I love them but they drive me absolutely nuts sometimes. I will admit that. Anyone who knows me well knows that I am not a 'kid person'. In knowing this, one would find it confusing why I would want to go to Africa and live in a children's home with 20 children. Well that's just me. I think the exposure is good for me. I enjoy the stress and the challenge of having to build my patience and keep my cool. Not sure if I'm always successful but I try! And every so often, when I find myself on edge, I witness such a beautiful moment that is sweet enough to bring me to tears and I remember the best things about the kids. For example, today when Robert came home and all the little guys ran to the gate to greet him before he even parked and got out of the vehicle, Akiz yelled out after them 'watch out for Zion or daddy will knock him with the car!' The fact that this 5 year old boy had the concern for his baby brother to tell the others to look out for him just totally warmed my heart. These little moments happen every so often, and it is always when the kids aren't even aware that they are doing something good that it is the most special. Like baby Zion asking for food so he can take it to Justine (Carli's newest daughter who is 3 years old and disabled from having cerebral malaria as an infant) and giving it to her because he noticed she was hungry. The care that they have for one another, blood related or not, is so inspiring and is a constant reminder of the importance of being surrounded by a loving, supportive and nurturing environment. Of course it isn't always sunshine and rainbows - but these little moments give me some relief.


Sometimes I wake up feeling prepared for the day, and go to sleep feeling like it was a good day, and other times I go to sleep completely burnt out and wake up wishing I could stay in bed all day. It's always a mix. The work we are doing here is not easy. Even if nothing extremely eventful happens, it is always draining. Just witnessing the extreme poverty day in and day out is enough to tire me. There are at least 7 programs happening each week, with anywhere from 1 to 5 of them happening on any given day. This doesn't include any emergencies that come up (and trust me, they always do) or the regular things that take place daily like picking up and dropping off the young kids from school. Monthly sponsorship meetings, home visits, paperwork, logistical matters, etc. Oh and we also have some income generating initiatives we are trying to maintain happening all the while. It is not a 9-5 job where you put in your hours and go home. It is a massive operation. The connections we make with people and the positive outcomes of our work and the appreciation that many people have is what gets us by I think. Of course we love what we do but at times it is easy to forget that with the stress that comes along with it.


And lastly, of COURSE I love Uganda. But there are definitely some things I hate about it too. Like the corruption - which I have already mentioned in a previous post. The fact that police officers expect and even welcome a bribe so you can get yourself out of getting a ticket that you likely didn't deserve in the first place is a pretty good example of how frustrating the level of corruption is. Another thing that frustrates me is the education system. Too much I could say on this subject. But it is what it is and I won't get into it. Next: the lack of 'resources' or perhaps just the lack of education or the problem of having the money in the wrong hands EVERYWHERE in the country. Human life is so undervalued here. People are seen as dispensable. This means a serious lack in the department of medical care, hence why people still die of malaria which is one of the most easily recognized and treated diseases in Uganda. It costs $2 for the treatment. But it kills lives - especially children - when it goes untreated. The saddest and perhaps most frustrating things about all of this is that a lot of educated people in Uganda (who aren't in positions of power) are aware of these issues yet feel helpless or at a loss of how to turn them around (this is where I refer you back to the section on corruption, lol). I could go on and on about things that I don't like but instead I would rather end with the things I love and will always miss about Uganda:

The extremely kind people I have met. The children. The culture. The dancing. The colours. The scenery. The smells. The simplicity/basic living. The generosity. The faith. The resilience. The learning experiences. Seeing change take place. Being part of something greater. The beauty. The teamwork. The smiles. The language. The excitement. The challenges. The village life. My new friends. And most of all I will miss my Ugandan family and Carli, who is one of the most amazing women I have met and someone who I am proud to know and call a dear friend. The journey is much more enjoyable when you are surrounded by good people who you can share a laugh with among all of the chaos and despair.

So sometimes conflict can be a good thing. Even when I fall on different sides of the scale depending on the day, I always know in my heart that I am so grateful for the experiences I have had in Uganda, good and bad. I am someone who can always see both sides of a situation and I think that's how I stay balanced. It can't always be all good, but it's never all bad. There is always hope for a better tomorrow - if you allow it.