sleepless nights

I wrote this a few nights ago but forgot to post it until now..

Laying in bed. Having one of those nights where my mind is absolutely restless. I swear I was falling asleep half an hour ago but now that I'm in bed trying to sleep my mind is racing. I know it doesn't make sense to focus energy on the past and there's no use dwelling on it, but I can't help but look back on my past every so often and say to myself, WTF?! At least I can say I have grown and am much wiser now. For some reason the things I hate remembering the most and wish I could bury behind me are the things I think about when I give my mind the free space. The things I wish I never did, and the things I never did that I wish I had done when I had the chance. Not cool! My escape tactics are only a temporary fix. Sooner or later it always comes back to my current frame of mind. My friend shared a quote with me: "sometimes, in order to be happy in the present moment, you have to be willing to give up hope for a better past." This is 100% true. There's no way I'll ever be content unless I let go of what's done and concentrate on not making those same mistakes in the present. No future is guaranteed, so why should we spend our every moment concerned about things that aren't relevant to the here and now?

I feel like when I was outside of my usual environment (ie: in Uganda), none of my past was haunting me. It didn't matter and there was nothing there to remind me of it. I was able to be my true self and thrive knowing that nothing from my life up until that point had to be involved with what I was doing. Now that I'm home there are flashing signs everywhere and metaphorical mirrors that seem to be pointing out my every flaw and magnifying my fears. It's so so easy to feel not good enough in a society that is so focused on what is 'best'. And it's all bullshit. What people care about in our society is nuts. And I'm not saying I'm perfect, but I definitely didn't care about the same superficial, surface shit while I was in Uganda. And I prefer it that way. But I can't live the way I lived there while living here. It just doesn't work like that.