another side note...

I've been feeling extremely emotional lately. You know those tears that are just constantly welling up at all the wrong times and all it takes is 2 minutes of a sappy moment on TV to throw you over the edge? I know why I'm emotional. For one, I'm about to have a super intense experience, but I'm also dealing with some inner demons and emotional heartache that I have kind of left at the wayside while keeping myself extremely busy (as per usual) and therefore not dealing with these emotional issues. I can feel them catching up to me and now is probably not the best time because I have a huge journey ahead of me. But maybe I can use the 20 hours of travel time alone to work through some of it.

However...If my mom can't hold it together tomorrow and starts crying, I'll probably lose it. Game over. Just sayin.

Tomorrow is the big day!

So I leave for Uganda tomorrow.. it's hard to believe. I've spent so much time telling people I'm going to Africa and talking about what I'm doing but not a lot of time actually thinking about going and letting it sink in. I suppose these things never really sink in until they are actually happening. But still, it's easy to forget about why I'm actually doing this and for me it's really important that I stay connected to that and that I keep reflecting on my experience otherwise I'm not getting much out of it. It's so hard to separate from everything else and just live and feel content with my decisions when there is so much doubt and questioning around me. I feel super calm and not all that worried about the next couple of months and for me that's normal. Sometimes it feels a bit lonely to be in touch with myself because it makes me feel pretty disconnected from the majority of the people in my life. I don't know if that makes sense but it does in my head. I'm looking forward to going somewhere where I actually feel less lonely and more normal. I know I am doing the right thing. I booked this trip because I needed to. I didn't spend a ton of time hesitating and decided to just go for it and hope for the best and let everything else (hopefully) fall in to place. So far things have worked out and I think that's because I'm doing what I'm meant to be doing. And also because I've worked hard and sacrificed a lot to make it happen of course. But that's what living out our dreams is about! Ever since I got back from my trip I have been dreaming (literally) about returning to Uganda. And now it's happening and it feels completely surreal.

I'm walking into this experience with very little expectations or ideas about what is going to happen. I have hopes for what I might like to get out of this trip, but that's basically just that I will learn and grow as a person from it and I'm pretty sure that's a guarantee in this case. I'd like to be inspired and I want my passion to be ignited again. It'll be great just being a part of something good. I feel like I've been missing out on that aspect for a while and it's something that is so important to me in my life. It seems so simple to just be part of something good. But how many of us can truthfully say we are? Something that benefits humanity and aims to make the world a better place. Not to be totally cheesy here or to presume that I am changing the world or anything, but I do feel that by helping a little bit where I can and by growing into a better person each day, I am doing my life and society a justice. Maybe a small one but still, it's something.

deflated.

So it's been a while since I've posted in this blog and I have really been meaning to lately because I am finally returning to Uganda on May 26th which is coming up quickly!! But I will write about that in a later post. Today's post is about something else.

I've been feeling a lot of anger and bitterness towards a lot of things lately and I feel like I need to somehow release it. Writing about it is definitely a start but I will definitely need to set aside some time to do something a bit more therapeutic. I'm currently at work on my break while I write this.

What am I angry about? To be honest I'm not quite sure. I think part of it is simply the fact that I work in a customer service position that takes a toll on my level of patience and compassion for others. It makes me hate being around people most of the time. Which is sad because I'm good at my job and I have some amazing customers but it's sooo testing at times. I have been witnessing a lot of negativity lately (and yes, I suppose you could say that my anger and frustration is negative as well) but i can't handle it. On the Internet,  in my work environment, and now my home life because I'm living with my family at home again. Being around so much negativity and trying to combat it is so completely deflating. I try to put positivity into the world and to bring about a different outlook and i just get exhausted by the lack of results. It's like I'm being beaten up by my inability to make change.

How this all relates to Africa is that it seems like the closer I get to my trip the more frustrating and stressful everything feels and the more annoyed by things I get. But on the other hand I can hardly wait to be back in that environment where I felt the exact opposite of everything I've just described. I'm so excited for a fresh culture and new faces and a different way of life that I once enjoyed so much. I need to get away from here so badly. I need a recharge. A boost of energy and an igniting of my passion. I definitely need to reconnect with myself and I'm hoping that will happen in Uganda.

I don't know if any of this post made sense but my break is about over and I just needed to get some thoughts out. Bye for now!