empty.

I feel like my blog has been super depressing lately..but I want to stress the fact that I'm actually a generally happy person, I just write about the things going through my head and lately it's been not too positive things.

I haven't been adjusting very well to life back home. To say the least. And in more ways than I had anticipated. I have been feeling totally hollow. Just completely empty. I really wake up every day wondering why I am here and having to force myself out of bed because I feel no motivation for my daily life. (Again, sounding super depressing here.) I have been avoiding thinking about everything to do with Uganda for so long because it is just too hard. I was looking through photos from my trip this morning because I'm going to a dinner with the rest of the girls from the project who I haven't seen since Uganda and we are supposed to share 10 photos with each other. I literally broke down and started crying just looking through my photos. I can't believe I am not still there and how far away it feels. I have been so selfish in ignoring emails, facebook conversations, etc., and haven't reached out to anyone when I know deep down I should. All because it's been easier to block everything out in order to protect myself from these feelings. It is so painful to see that my life has returned to something I hate after having the most amazing experience of my life in Uganda. I never imagined I would be in this place. This place of wanting to be anywhere in the world but home. Being so unsatisfied with my life and not knowing what to do or how to get out of it.

emotional roller coaster

I feel like I have tears inside of me that are about to come out very soon. Like I need to have a good cry. If you've had this feeling then you know what I mean. That on-the-brink-of-tears feeling where even the silliest things make you feel like you're going to spontaneously combust into tears? It almost happened last night.. at work. Thank goodness I held it in. I was just feeling a roller coaster of emotions yesterday. Happiness, anger, sadness, frustration. And then I dropped like 8 cases of water on the floor (by accident) and almost cried because of that. This means it's coming any day now. I think I'm just so unsatisfied with my life and feeling so down about the place my mind is at right now and it's starting to creep to the surface. I just need to get it out of my system

sleepless nights

I wrote this a few nights ago but forgot to post it until now..

Laying in bed. Having one of those nights where my mind is absolutely restless. I swear I was falling asleep half an hour ago but now that I'm in bed trying to sleep my mind is racing. I know it doesn't make sense to focus energy on the past and there's no use dwelling on it, but I can't help but look back on my past every so often and say to myself, WTF?! At least I can say I have grown and am much wiser now. For some reason the things I hate remembering the most and wish I could bury behind me are the things I think about when I give my mind the free space. The things I wish I never did, and the things I never did that I wish I had done when I had the chance. Not cool! My escape tactics are only a temporary fix. Sooner or later it always comes back to my current frame of mind. My friend shared a quote with me: "sometimes, in order to be happy in the present moment, you have to be willing to give up hope for a better past." This is 100% true. There's no way I'll ever be content unless I let go of what's done and concentrate on not making those same mistakes in the present. No future is guaranteed, so why should we spend our every moment concerned about things that aren't relevant to the here and now?

I feel like when I was outside of my usual environment (ie: in Uganda), none of my past was haunting me. It didn't matter and there was nothing there to remind me of it. I was able to be my true self and thrive knowing that nothing from my life up until that point had to be involved with what I was doing. Now that I'm home there are flashing signs everywhere and metaphorical mirrors that seem to be pointing out my every flaw and magnifying my fears. It's so so easy to feel not good enough in a society that is so focused on what is 'best'. And it's all bullshit. What people care about in our society is nuts. And I'm not saying I'm perfect, but I definitely didn't care about the same superficial, surface shit while I was in Uganda. And I prefer it that way. But I can't live the way I lived there while living here. It just doesn't work like that.

patience is key

I saw a friend today that I haven't seen in a really long time. She was asking me about my trip and how I've been and we talked for a while and she seemed to really understand what I was talking about - which is seriously rare these days. She told me that it sounded like I was homesick from a place that isn't here. What a perfect way to describe how I feel. I am home sick. Uganda felt more like home than here does. I will go back there but I've realized it will take time and hard work and I have to be patient. I will make things happen for myself in a way that is realistic for me. Not in drastic, spur of the moment decisions. I need to be smart. It may be a year or two before I get back to Uganda but that's ok. I can do other things that make me happy in the meantime. A change is about to happen, it's only a matter of time.

Victoria!

So I spent last weekend in Victoria and it was wonderful! I had never been there before which is so pathetic considering I've lived in BC my entire life but I knew I would love it and I definitely did. It is so amazing there. It's like all the great things I love about greater Vancouver in a condensed area. It's like a different culture..much more relaxed. I wish I could have stayed longer.. 2 days went by so fast!! But i'll be back again forrr suuuure.

The beach that was literally a minute away from Brittany and Alisha's place. Lucky them!

Me and my bestie!

Me and Brittany :)

Now I can look forward to my next few trips I have planned! Camping next weekend, Kelowna for labour day weekend and another camping trip in the works for mid september! I love summerrr

On a brighter note..

Some good things have happened recently. I mentioned that I had accomplished some things off my to do list (from a previous post). I've tie dyed some clothes, which turned out super awesome. I've gone camping and have another trip coming up. I'm not going to Birch Bay but am instead going to Victoria which is way better anyways. And I've planned my trip to Kelowna to stay with my awesome friend for the labour day weekend. I've looked into volunteering.. unfortunately my first choice has already closed their application deadline for September training but I'm looking into other options. I've contacted a couple hospitals near me about doing some volunteering for them so we'll see what happens there! I also went to a staff meeting today at my other job (a group home for adults with disabilities) where I currently only have a relief position. It looks like they are needing to add more hours and may be offering a position with close to full time hours which I would have a good chance of getting. And they are sooo eager to give me work so I have a good feeling I could get a position there and finally QUIT SAVE ON! That would make a HUGE difference in my life. It's so nice to actually feel valued and wanted at work as opposed to feeling like a piece of garbage that is never good enough. Stressing out over fruits and vegetables is not where I need to be right now!! But if I were to get a position at the group home I would most likely have to move to the Vancouver/ Richmond area to be closer to work because the commute is a BITCH! OH and I got my first paycheque today! WOOHOOO! It wasn't a whole lot but my goodness it's nice to have an income again. Slowly but surely I will pay off my debts! (Or slowly by slowly, as Ugandans would say. Man, I miss those people!)

Stuckkkkk

I haven't been as dedicated to my blog as I probably should be. Not that it matters since I only have 1 follower (you know who you are haha). I honestly just feel like life hasn't been all that exciting lately.

I am not doing what I am supposed to be doing. I know this. I'm not happy. Actually, I am happy.. it's more that I am unsatisfied with how my life is right now. And I know I need to change it and I am taking small steps toward doing so. But somehow I feel so completely stuck. Like the responsibilities hovering over my head are holding me back. My constant criticisms of myself and the way I have handled things in my life recently are also holding me back. The frustrating thing is that I know all of these things and I know what needs to be done to create a change but it seems that actually doing this is impossible.

I feel like the life is being sucked out of me. Work is taking up all of my energy right now. I feel more exhausted than ever. My body aches. I feel like crying at some point almost every day and sometimes I don't even know why. No matter how many times I keep telling myself that this is all only temperary - that I just have to keep my head down and focus on work for a while, each day still seems so difficult to get through.

I plan things that I should be excited about but I know deep down that I am not truly feeling the excitement. I'm going to Victoria next weekend, camping a couple weekends after that, and Kelowna the weekend after that. I should be stoked. I've actually accomplished quite a few things off my to do list. But these things aren't making me feel the way I thought they would. Yes, of course I do feel really happy that I am so lucky to be doing all of the things I hoped I would do when I got back home but it's just on the surface that I'm feeling this.