Some post-trip reflections

Sooo I've been back in Vancouver for almost 2 weeks now. It feels surprisingly normal even though everything is completely different.

Going to Europe after Uganda was definitely the best decision I could have made. It gave me a true vacation after my time in Uganda which I really needed. I don't think I realized how critical that was until now. I know now how important that piece of my trip was because I don't feel at all the way I felt after my first trip to Uganda. I don't feel extremely attached to Uganda still and I don't feel depressed about being home. I think having that time to just do what I wanted and to unwind and have some fun was a really vital part of why I feel the way I do now. I actually feel content. The same way I felt while I was away and I still feel that way which is hugely important. I'm also really looking forward to my future and going back to school and going back to work. I just feel so much more positive and inspired and I think that attitude is going to have a hugely positive impact on my day to day life. Though while at work or around friends etc. I can always play the role of happy and positive, but today I truly feel that way deep down.

I identified so much with my experiences in Uganda that it felt like an overwhelming part of who I was. And though I still see how much it has changed me and how much those experiences continue to influence aspects of my life, I also now see that it's just a piece of the puzzle. I can use my experiences and the knowledge I gained from Uganda in situations when necessary, but I will continue to learn and grow from other things as well. I also felt trapped by my knowledge in some ways because the experiences were so difficult to go through and so impossible to explain to people. But now I feel differently. Like explaining them to people isn't really important. Unless someone who truly cares and wants to know asks me about it, I really don't have to explain anything to anyone or expect people to understand. It can just be my own personal private experience (well, talked about publicly on this blog but whatever) and that's ok. It doesn't have to be justified by others. I don't need people to jump on board with me because I know the importance it has had in my life and that's what matters at the end of the day. And for me, keeping in contact with those who are also connected to Uganda is all I really need to keep me sane, because it is nice to talk about it from time to time with people who relate.

Though I haven't spent a lot of time reflecting on my trip yet (aside from this post) because I have been busy moving and getting settled into a new environment and trying to have a little bit of a social life while I can, I think it's an ongoing process. Things come up when you need to deal with them, and you can choose to deal with them or ignore them. Of course my usual routine is to stay extremely busy so I never have to think about the things I really don't want to think about. But I hope to change that approach in the future. That being said, if I were to actually sit down and say ok, I'm going to look back on every single thing I did or saw or felt during my whole trip and analyze what it all meant, I would probably have an emotional breakdown and drive myself crazy. It would be madness. I'm so glad that I have blogged a lot of things (aside from the past month) because that was really my main way to deal with a lot of it and get it all out. But some things take more work than that. When you move so quickly from one thing to the next like I was doing in Uganda and then again in Europe with so many activities planned, you often don't even realize that something really significant happened until it slaps you in the face one day when you're least expecting it. I became so familiar with certain things and so accustomed to disasters happening all the time in the village in Uganda that most of the time nothing shocked me. I'm still trying to figure out how it was normal for a 4 year old girl to die of malaria. That was definitely the worst thing I have ever had to be part of first hand and I was as strong as I possibly could be through that because you have to be. You can't show up at the home of the family and bawl your eyes out when nobody else is and you've only known the child for 6 weeks. But that was really fucking hard. Getting sick near the end was really hard. I've never felt so physically weak before for an extended period of time. These things test your physical, mental and emotional boundaries and stamina. But I'm glad I was put through those tests as difficult and uncomfortable and unfamiliar as they all were because that's how I grow as a person.

I know I have talked so much about growth and learning and gaining experience that it's probably like 'blah blah blah' reading it, but it's just what it's all about for me. Figuring things out and finding answers and finding myself and finding happiness and finding more love and compassion within myself - these are all things that keep me going every day. Everyone has their own philosophies about what they are supposed to do in their time on earth and how life should be lived and we all come from different perspectives. At the end of the day I suppose some things are just out of our control - in which case what is supposed to happen will happen. But as far as the things I do have some say over, I want to take advantage of the opportunities that come my way to be kind and loving, to have an open mind, to be accepting and non-judgmental, to follow my heart, to continue to improve my inner self and my connection to that self. And though I'm sitting here on a Saturday night watching Netflix while sitting with a coconut oil treatment in my hair - not exactly living out my life's purpose at this moment - this is self care for me. Also, I have been avoiding blogging/journaling for a while because it can be draining so the fact that I've finally done it is an accomplishment in my books, and is a big part of that connecting to myself piece. Anyhow, I have blabbed on for quite a while now so I think I'll end it here. Perhaps with a quote:

"Incredible change happens in your life when you decide to take control of what you do have power over instead of craving control over what you don't." - Steve Maraboli

Some final reflections

At the end of my trip I find myself asking many questions. Did I live out my experience in Uganda to the fullest? Did I do enough? Did I hurt anyone? Did I help make anyone's life a little better? Did I take enough pictures? (The answer to this one is always no - I never take enough but I will always have my memories.) Am I going to miss Uganda like crazy like I did the first time? Am I going to cry when I say goodbyes? When will I come back? Am I going to feel content with my life when I go back home?

Most of these questions don't really have answers and I'm sure some of them aren't even worth asking. And I suppose trying to predict the future is a waste of time but I still can't help but wonder. I feel like Uganda is always going to be part of my life and I'm not yet sure if it will be a small part or a big part or what any of it is supposed to mean. All I know for now is that it is all about the experiences and again I feel I have gained so much real life experience and have seen and done things that many people won't get the chance to experience. And for me and my life I wouldn't have it any other way. I'm only 24 but in some ways I feel much older and wiser and I am very thankful for that. Travel and living in a completely different culture adds an entirely new dimension of understanding, knowledge, and perspective to one's life. Of course there is still a huge list of other things I have yet to experience and don't know much about, but I hope one day I will if I keep challenging myself. Maybe I take life a little too seriously sometimes but when you have witnessed such serious, REAL life problems and situations, it's hard not to be. It's hard to remember to take it easy and laugh at a stupid joke when your mind is filled with images and memories of true suffering and when you have experienced and witnessed moments of joy over very simple things that most people take for granted. It becomes hard to relate to people. But maybe that's ok. Maybe I'll find other people I can relate to on a deeper level. Maybe that's what I need to have happen. I can't live a superficial surface level life where I keep my head down and forget about everything important. I refuse to participate in our distracted money-minded society. Of course I say this now and I know it's pretty easy to get caught up and lost somewhere in the mix but I truly do want to try to go against the grain a bit and avoid conforming to what the majority of our society works so hard to be.

What I want from my life is to learn and to grow as a person, always becoming something better than I was before and sometimes that learning comes out of suffering or being uncomfortable or making sacrifices but I see it as a worthy cause at the end of it all. I also want to love and care for others, to respect other people and to be respected. To be inspired while inspiring others. If we all felt it in our hearts to do kind things for others without expecting anything in return, can you imagine how much better a place the world would be?

And when I talk about being a 'better person' and doing good things for others, I'm talking in terms of my own standards. Based on the goals I set for myself and what I feel a fulfilling and meaningful life looks like. Everyone should have their own version of these standards. I find that so often people are quick to use other people and their actions as a measuring tool for what's good enough or not good enough. I don't really see it that way. It's like how your mom used to say to you, 'if all the other kids in school jumped off a bridge would you do it too?' when you were arguing about how all your friends were doing something you weren't allowed to do. If I was the only person in Canada to go volunteer my time in Uganda I wouldn't feel any different about it than I do now. It doesn't make me feel special that I'm doing things that not everybody does. I feel like everybody could be doing what I'm doing - honestly I would even dare to say that everybody should be doing it - because it's just the right thing to do on so many levels. Whether you're helping in some other country or in your own community, I would love to see it become a normal and regular thing, not something we should necessarily praise people for. My personal standards are based on my set of values and what I believe deep down in my heart is the right thing to do, and how I carry myself is part of my best efforts to follow my heart. Of course logic and the practical knowledge I've picked up in my short lifetime is thrown in there as well. And my experiences in Africa are always adding to my understanding of the world and what my purpose in it might be.

I am beyond happy and proud of myself for making this trip happen for the second time, because it has done exactly what I hoped it would. It has reminded me of what is REALLY important in life, and it has solidified a lot of the things I had previously discovered during my last trip. It has re-ignited my passion for working with a more vulnerable population and has inspired me to want to do more international work in the future. It has also given me some closure that I don't think I achieved last time when I felt devastated about leaving and was so not ready to move on. I have felt like something was missing for the past couple of years and I feel a lot more at peace now. And I now know for sure that Uganda will always be here and if I have the means I can continue to come back to visit and volunteer my time.

I anticipate a part 2 of this post as I still have a couple more days to reflect.. I hope I am not being repetitive. But now that I am alone in Entebbe it is the perfect time for me to unwind and get all of my thoughts out before I move on to the next chapter.

P.S. I can now answer the question about whether or not I was going to cry like a baby when I said my goodbyes.. totally did. I kept it together as well as I possibly could but there were definitely some tears that got the best of me. It all hit me at once when I looked around at all the kids and started putting my things in the car and I realized just how much I was going to miss them. I'm human, what can I say.

4 days left...

I haven't written in a few days because not a lot has been happening. With Daniella passing away and with me feeling super sick for 10 days with some sort of parasite, I have spent most of my time (whenever I have been able to) this past week in bed or in the washroom unfortunately.

I am now getting to that awkward point of my trip where I know I am leaving in a few short days and it sucks and I start to lose motivation to do anything because it starts setting in that I'll be gone this time next week and I start to feel like 'what's the point?' I know that's not the best attitude to have but honestly it's really hard getting so involved and getting my heart invested here for a short period of time. 2 months might seem long enough, but it isn't when you feel at home. It somehow ends up feeling like a dangerous and irrational thing to do. To come to Uganda and fall in love with it all over again and to get even more attached and then to go back to my normal-every-day-life where everything is completely different and I have to readjust all over again. I remember feeling this way my last trip. The closer it got to the end of my trip the more I started hiding in my room and feeling like laying in bed all day and the less motivated I became to get up and go with the same enthusiasm I had my first day. I am starting to relive those feelings all over again.

Of course I am still going to make the most of the remaining time I have here and try not to be upset, but the end of the trip is always the worst. I just suck at goodbyes and at leaving people. I almost cried today in the library thinking about the fact that I won't be able to see these kids continue to grow and thrive. We have been working with them in the library for weeks as they haven't been attending school and I have seen them blossom and now they finally have the chance to attend school next term and I really wish I was going to be around to see that happen. But I will remember them all and promise myself to get updates from Carli and whenever I come back I will find them and hopefully they will remember me also.

It's always at this time that I start feeling super homesick and wishing I could just go home. If I have to leave, I want to be at home where I am comfortable. But this time I am taking a detour and though I am excited for the experiences I will have in Europe, part of me thinks that August 17th (the day I fly home) seems soooo far away still. I know once I arrive in Copenhagen my spirits will be lifted and I'll be able to enjoy my time in Sweden and all will be wonderful. But at this point in time everything sucks, haha. That's an exaggeration, but I hope you can understand what I am getting at.

Today was my last day at the nursery school for Friday clinics. I didn't remove any jiggers..however only 1 kid had them today which is AMAZING! Our little trooper Hakram is currently jigger free for the first time which was so beautiful to see. And all the kids I have been treating for ringworm have improved greatly. I got the school to get all the kids together to take a group photo and they turned out great:

Bye Mzungu!

Goodbye Daniella

It's frustrating to think that the first goodbye I have to say is one that was not even able to be said, and one that came completely by surprise. As I was just talking in my last post about saying my goodbyes and leaving Uganda, I had no idea that I would have to mourn the loss of a child. Her name was Daniella and she was 4 years old when she died in the hospital early this morning.

I haven't had much exposure to death in my lifetime (lucky for me) but the death of a child is something completely unfamiliar and I don't know how to handle it other than to just cry. I also made a video which was extremely emotional but I felt it would be a nice collection of the memories I have of her and a nice way to pay tribute to her short life. When I heard the news I was truly shocked. I know many children in the village that Carli supports have died in the past, but I had yet to really understand or experience that until today. I just saw Daniella on Monday. The last time I saw her I was reading her a story called 'The Little Elephant'. We knew she was feeling sick and had malaria (so common here) on Wednesday when she didn't show up for reading group. We found out yesterday that she had been admitted to Mulago Hospital (one of the major government hospitals in Kampala) and I remember thinking 'good, the hospital is the best place for her to get the treatment she needs. That means she will recover.' In the early hours of the morning the malaria took her life. I can't even believe it. She was so special. She is one of the children who lives in the family with my sponsor child Margret. We visited their home not long ago and I even posted this photo in my last blog post of the three of us (Margret, myself, and Daniella).

All of the children we meet and support are special in some way, but some seem to touch your heart more than others, and Daniella was definitely one of those cases. She was recently hit by a boda boda (motorcycle) and nearly died but miraculously was recovering and we were getting so excited for her to return to school in September. Now her precious life has been taken much too soon and we are only left with the reminder that this is part of reality in this village. It is not uncommon. This is the piece I struggle with as I try to sort out my feelings about this tragic event. When someone dies here, their body is buried as soon as possible (usually same day or the next day) and people pay their respects and attend the burial and some might cry but not usually. People eat food and when the day is over everyone carries on with their lives. There isn't a huge mourning period. Where I come from, death is such a big deal - especially the death of a child which is thankfully much more rare - and people take various amounts of time to mourn and it's pretty socially acceptable to be upset for some time. We don't really have time for that here... tomorrow is the monthly sponsorship meeting where all of the families that are sponsored come to check in, and we have many new children coming tomorrow who still need sponsors. These families need us and it is back to business tomorrow. Though my relationship with Daniella was brief, it had an impact on me and so does her death. All I can do is hope she is in a better place now and cry myself to sleep in the privacy of my bedroom because that is all I know and that is what feels normal to me. I just pray that tomorrow is a better day. 

Here is the video I made in loving memory of Daniella who will forever have a special place in my heart. 

 

goodbyes suck. period.

So the countdown has now been started.. I have about 12 days left at Carli & Robert's. Then I'm in Entebbe for a few days until I fly out early on the 2nd of August. And a month today until I'll be back home. The little kids at home are counting down the days - but only because they have figured out that the day I leave is the same day the new visitor comes who will be bringing them toys. Haha, so maybe they aren't sad to see me go but that's ok, I can't take offence to that.

As with all good things, this trip must come to an end and I know that. But I have been dreading saying my goodbyes since the day I arrived. And though I haven't had to say any goodbyes yet, I know what's coming. The hardest thing about coming to Uganda is having to leave Uganda. It's such a struggle. I think because it feels like home here even though it's nothing like the home I'm used to. I have a hard time walking away when I know what I am leaving behind and when I know how much more work I could do here. I definitely still struggle with that. I get this overwhelming feeling that I won't be nearly as satisfied with anything I am doing back home in comparison to what there is to do here. But that should be a lesson that I need to keep pushing myself forward and doing better and caring more and striving for greatness so that I will feel satisfied. There are certainly things I can be involved with in Vancouver, it's just that a lot more people are already doing them whereas here in the village we are pretty much the ONLY people doing good things for the community. So you end up feeling a lot more motivated to do such things and a lot more appreciated and useful when you do. I'm not saying that because other people already doing good things that we should all sit around and let them continue, but I am just saying that the motivation is much stronger when you know that a lot of people are relying on you. And it is that feeling of purpose that gets me through my days. The positive side of all of this is I can honestly say that so far any expectations I might have brought with me on this trip have been met or exceeded and I feel as though I have accomplished what I hoped to accomplish, if not more. So with that said I know I can comfortably leave without feeling like I have any unfinished business. This feeling was definitely lacking at the end of my last trip here, so this is a good thing for sure.

This week I have actually been quite sick - some type of bacterial infection I think - so it's been a bit of a write-off for me as I've been trying to rest and get better. So that sucks..now I am down to one "work week" left. I've starting thinking about the people I won't see anymore and the special ones who I have to figure out how to say goodbye to and it just breaks my heart. I'm gonna miss the village children...so many of them we have seen a few times a week and they are so sweet. My memories of them will always be in my heart. The way I feel about saying goodbye to people is the same way a child throws a temper tantrum. "But I don't wanna!!!" (along with flailing arms and stomping feet). It's dangerous making connections with people - at least close ones - when you know that at the end of it all you've gotta pack up and go back home to your life. And this time I somewhat reluctantly allowed myself to open up and get close to someone here and now I am kicking myself for it because it doesn't feel fair to either person when the end is inevitable. Especially for the other person who has to stay behind and watch me go while I get to move on to other adventures. But I suppose that view is debatable - I could close myself off and not let anyone in just to avoid feeling hurt if I wanted to. And would that be better? To sacrifice the joy of human connection in order to avoid the potential pain? I suppose I wouldn't be doing myself much justice if I went through life that way - as there is always a potential (if not a guarantee) for pain and an ending in everything we experience.

To cope with the goodbyes I tell myself that I'll be back again so it's not really goodbye, more like 'see you later'. My hope is that it'll be a bit easier this time because I still have a few more destinations on my list: Denmark, Sweden and Amsterdam. Since I have those things to look forward to, it makes leaving seem not so bad. And I'm sure once I arrive in Denmark and am met by my friend, my sadness about leaving Uganda will start to fade away. But I'll never forget about the relationships I leave here and the experiences I feel so blessed to have.